IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

In some countries, the number of shootings increase becausee many people have guns at home. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #shootings #becausee #people #guns #home
There are countries around the world where we have seen an increased number of shootings than before, and many think that the primary reason behind
this
 is that many
people
 these days keep weapons like guns and pistols at home;
however
, I disagree with
this
 statement because there are other reasons for
this
 scenario as well which I shall discuss in my essay. The first and foremost reason for my disagreement is that;
however
, it is an inevitable
fact
 that many individuals have guns at home, but
this
 is not the only reason for increased shootings. Media, television, illegal use of weapons and drugs which
people
 watch in movies, and video games, all these factors influence a person in a negative way and
also
 make them aggressive in their behaviour, which later excites them for wicked activities like shooting and in
fact
 murder.
Moreover
, many children and adults play video games these days which have violent actions like shooting, stabbing, and killing, which leads to aggression in them, and
this
 behaviour makes them stubborn,
for example
, Pubgee, Angry
birds
Capitalize word
Birds
show examples
, and so on.
In addition
 to that, peer pressure and family circumstances could contribute to activities like shooting. Teenagers and youngsters when swayed by their fellow mates,
then
 could result in unethical behaviour, so young
people
 indulge in shooting and in
fact
 in other crimes as well.
Besides
this
, negative family situations where
people
 suffer from depression-like symptoms can result in
shooting
Fix the agreement mistake
shootings
show examples
. In conclusion, increased shootings across different countries are not only
due to
 the
fact
 that
people
 nowadays keep more guns at home, but other factors like negative influence from media, movies, and computerised games,
also
 peer pressure and family situations can contribute well to shooting.
Submitted by harleenarora620 on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a complete response to the prompt, with clear main points and relevant arguments. However, to achieve a higher score, ensure that each point is fully elaborated with more developed supporting details and specific examples.
coherence cohesion
Organize your essay better by ensuring that each paragraph contains a single main idea with clear transitions between ideas. This will help improve the overall coherence and make your arguments easier to follow.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively frame your essay, making your position clear from the beginning.
supported main points
The essay covers different perspectives on the topic, which shows a balanced approach to discussing the issue at hand.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • shootings
  • guns
  • increase
  • home
  • accidental
  • domestic violence
  • easy access
  • impulsive
  • violence
  • gun control laws
  • gun violence
  • ownership
  • regulated
  • misuse
  • public safety
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