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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar charts below shows the prevalence of obesity among boys and girls aged 12 to 19 by ethnicity, in the United States for the years 2004 and 2014.

The bar charts below shows the prevalence of obesity among boys and girls aged 12 to 19 by ethnicity, in the United States for the years 2004 and 2014.
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The charts
provides
Change the verb form
provide
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 the prevalence of
obesity
Use synonyms
 between males and females aged 12 to 19 toward ethnicity, in the United States for the years between 2004 and 2014. We can see from
this
Linking Words
 data where shown the prevalence of
obesity
Use synonyms
 among boys that the highest percentage was on
Hispanic
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 ethnicity in 2014
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 is 27%. And the lowest was on
Non-
Correct your spelling
Non-Hispanic
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Hispanic
Use synonyms
 Black in 2004 was 11%. Meanwhile, in 2004 of Non-
Hispanic
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White amounts
Replace the word
whites amounted
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 to 12% and in
the
Change the article
apply
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2014 was 17%.
By contrast
Linking Words
, Black Hispanics had 20% in 2014. And
lastly
Linking Words
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
Hispanic
Fix the agreement mistake
Hispanics
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was
Verb problem
had
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 13% of
obesity
Use synonyms
 in
the
Change the article
apply
show examples
2004.
In the
Change preposition
The
show examples
 second chart shows the percentages of
obesity
Use synonyms
 among girls. Utmost was on Non-
Hispanic
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 Black they were 29% in 2014. There are slightly fewer
stage
Fix the agreement mistake
stages
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 of
obesity
Use synonyms
 in
Use synonyms
Hispanic
Fix the agreement mistake
Hispanics
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was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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17%.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
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 there are all 2004 percentages are less
as
Change preposition
than
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 2014
obesity
Use synonyms
 among girls. In general, the percentage of
obesity
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both
Change preposition
in both
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 of the groups of
gene
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genes
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significantly
Add a missing verb
was significantly
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more expended
Correct word choice
higher
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 in 2014 by various
ethnicity
Fix the agreement mistake
ethnicities
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 than in 2004.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words obesity, hispanic with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • prevalence
  • obesity
  • ethnic groups
  • trend
  • gender differences
  • public health
  • interventions
  • demographic
  • disparities
  • insight
  • analysis
  • comparison
  • proportion
  • fluctuation
  • longitudinal study
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