Investment in local amenities such as leisure centres is the best way for the government to foster a good comuninty spirit. To what extent do you agree or disagree

These days,
people
are talking about activity, some
people
say the
government
should
development
Replace the word
develop
show examples
event place. Other
people
have a different way of thinking they say the
government
is not responsible for
development
Add an article
the development
show examples
of local
amenities
. Personally, I believe
development
Add an article
the development
show examples
  of local
amenities
has more positives than negatives, in
this
essay I will give my reasons. 
Firstly
, one of the biggest advantages is that developing events place has benefits
in addition
has increasing the economy. The
government
cares about community spirit.
For example
, in my
country
we have a lot of local
amenities
and different activities if you like football there are different
places
to play football or watch football.
This
means each other have hobbies some
people
like video gems other
people
love shopping. 
Secondly
, one of the biggest negatives is that some
people
cannot keep local
amenities
save some
people
break or distort public property. To illustrate, in my
country
, we have many different wonderful
places
, but some
people
distort those
places
.
This
means we are responsible for saving all our
places
in my
country
I wonder we some
people
distort wonderful
places
it is wrong.  In conclusion, I agree with
people
who say the
government
is responsible for
development
.
In addition
in my opinion must the
government
create a great atmosphere for
people
.
However
, we should help each other to keep all our
places
.
also
one of the biggest negatives is that some
people
cannot keep local
amenities
save some
people
break or distort public property. To illustrate, in my
country
, we have many different wonderful
places
, but some
people
distort those
places
.
This
means we are responsible for saving all our
places
in my
country
I wonder we some
people
distort wonderful
places
it is wrong.
Submitted by yosf1010 on

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task achievement
Improve the introduction by clearly stating your position on whether you agree or disagree with the statement. Also, ensure that you do not repeat the same point in the conclusion that has been discussed in the essay body.
task achievement
Use more varied and accurate vocabulary to articulate your points. Examples are helpful, but they must be more specific and clearly connected to the argument.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs by using a wider range of linking words and phrases. This will help to make your essay more coherent and easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
Avoid redundancy and repetitive statements. Instead, ensure that each paragraph introduces a new idea or point that supports your main argument.
coherence cohesion
Make sure your conclusion not only restates your opinion but also summarizes the main points discussed in the essay. This will give a better structure to your essay.
task achievement
Provide more specific real-life examples to support your points. This will make your argument more convincing and relatable.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and clearly attempts to cover both sides of the argument.
coherence cohesion
The attempt to use transition words like 'Firstly' and 'Secondly' is good as it shows an understanding of structure.
task achievement
You successfully identify potential negatives such as vandalism, showcasing an understanding of the issues at hand.

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