Investment in local amenities such as leisure centres is the best way for the government to foster a good comuninty spirit. To what extent do you agree or disagree

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These days,
people
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are talking about activity, some
people
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say the
government
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should
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development
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develop
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event place. Other
people
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have a different way of thinking they say the
government
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is not responsible for
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development
Add an article
the development
show examples
of local
amenities
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. Personally, I believe
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development
Add an article
the development
show examples
  of local
amenities
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has more positives than negatives, in
this
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essay I will give my reasons. 
Firstly
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, one of the biggest advantages is that developing events place has benefits
in addition
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has increasing the economy. The
government
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cares about community spirit.
For example
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, in my
country
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we have a lot of local
amenities
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and different activities if you like football there are different
places
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to play football or watch football.
This
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means each other have hobbies some
people
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like video gems other
people
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love shopping. 
Secondly
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, one of the biggest negatives is that some
people
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cannot keep local
amenities
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save some
people
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break or distort public property. To illustrate, in my
country
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, we have many different wonderful
places
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, but some
people
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distort those
places
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.
This
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means we are responsible for saving all our
places
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in my
country
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I wonder we some
people
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distort wonderful
places
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it is wrong.  In conclusion, I agree with
people
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who say the
government
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is responsible for
development
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.
In addition
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in my opinion must the
government
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create a great atmosphere for
people
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.
However
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, we should help each other to keep all our
places
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.
also
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one of the biggest negatives is that some
people
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cannot keep local
amenities
Use synonyms
save some
people
Use synonyms
break or distort public property. To illustrate, in my
country
Use synonyms
, we have many different wonderful
places
Use synonyms
, but some
people
Use synonyms
distort those
places
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
means we are responsible for saving all our
places
Use synonyms
in my
country
Use synonyms
I wonder we some
people
Use synonyms
distort wonderful
places
Use synonyms
it is wrong.
Submitted by yosf1010 on

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task achievement
Improve the introduction by clearly stating your position on whether you agree or disagree with the statement. Also, ensure that you do not repeat the same point in the conclusion that has been discussed in the essay body.
task achievement
Use more varied and accurate vocabulary to articulate your points. Examples are helpful, but they must be more specific and clearly connected to the argument.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs by using a wider range of linking words and phrases. This will help to make your essay more coherent and easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
Avoid redundancy and repetitive statements. Instead, ensure that each paragraph introduces a new idea or point that supports your main argument.
coherence cohesion
Make sure your conclusion not only restates your opinion but also summarizes the main points discussed in the essay. This will give a better structure to your essay.
task achievement
Provide more specific real-life examples to support your points. This will make your argument more convincing and relatable.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and clearly attempts to cover both sides of the argument.
coherence cohesion
The attempt to use transition words like 'Firstly' and 'Secondly' is good as it shows an understanding of structure.
task achievement
You successfully identify potential negatives such as vandalism, showcasing an understanding of the issues at hand.
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