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Band 2.5

In many countries, the increase in life expectancy means that people have to work until they are older to help pay for their retirement. An alternative is for people to start work at a younger age.   Do you think this alternative would be a positive or negative development?

#countries #life #expectancy #people #work #retirement #alternative #age #development
Most
of
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apply
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citizens in expectancy countries have to work
for
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in
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 old
age
 because of their purchases in retirement
instead
 of starting their career
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at in
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in
Correct your spelling
an
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 early
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
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. I totally agree with
this
 idea
specially
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especially
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that
Correct word choice
since
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this
argue
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argument
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support
Correct subject-verb agreement
supports
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 that in their youth
would
Wrong verb form
will
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 have enough time for capacity building by studying or getting proper training,
Moreover
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Moreover,
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 they will have the opportunity to stand out or to explore different cultures or experiences. In
countapery
Correct your spelling
country
 societies work till the
age
 of
sixty's
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sixty
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 or above,
Forther
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Further
 more in my view I think that
also
 psychologically good for old people so they will still have a vital role in the community .
More over
Correct your spelling
Moreover
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in
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at
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young
Correct article usage
a young
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age
Add a comma
age,
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 they are immature
for
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in
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 the responsibility of
job
Correct pronoun usage
their job
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 and managing their finance.
Overall
 each member
in
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of
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 the society
crucial
Add a missing verb
is crucial
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 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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sustainability and development. So I disagree
the
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with the
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 idea that people Start working from
young
Correct article usage
a young
show examples
age
 and support that they can work till old
age
 so they can save money for their retirement.
Submitted by Selfigih7 on

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task achievement
Try to develop your arguments more fully, providing clear reasons and specific examples to support your points. This will make your essay more persuasive and compelling.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow of your essay. Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, and that your ideas are presented in a clear and logical order.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to grammatical accuracy and sentence structure. Simple errors can distract the reader and reduce the overall clarity of your essay.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your argument and provide a clear structure for your essay.
task achievement
Your main points are relevant to the topic and show that you understand the issue being discussed.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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