IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some people think that human needs for farmland housing and industry are more important than saving land for endangered animals .Do you agree or disagree ?

#people #farmland #industry #land #animals
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is considered by some individuals that humans using the land for agricultural purposes, accommodation and industry is more significant than
to save
Change the verb form
saving
show examples
 it for endangered species. I agree because the population of humans are increasing.
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 endangered
funa
Correct your spelling
fauna
fun
fund
 can be put in the zoo.
To begin
 with, one reason which is worth mentioning is the increase in the number of the human population.
This
 has led to using the earth for farming to feed individuals and building industries to prevent unemployment in the society which will
mankind
Change noun form
mankind's
show examples
 lives comfortable and peaceful on earth.
For example
, a study conducted by the Environmental
agency
Capitalize word
Agency
show examples
 in Ghana indicates that about 30 per cent of the forest has been used for farming purposes
as a result
 of the population growth.
Furthermore
, animals
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 are endangered can be protected by putting them in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
zoos. To elaborate, since their natural habitats can be destroyed by man for other purposes
such
 as accommodation,industry and farming.
Hence
, they can be put in cages to prevent extinction.
For instance
,when Koalas were endangered, because of
destruction
Add an article
the destruction
show examples
 of their natural abode . Most of them were kept in the zoo to prevent them from dying out. In conclusion, I concur that
humans
Fix the agreement mistake
human
show examples
 usage of the land is more essential than protecting it for endangered animals .
Submitted by boadimaxwell48 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While you have made a clear argument, you should try to enrich your essay with more diverse points and deeper analysis to reach higher scores. Adding more varied perspectives could help enhance your task achievement score.
coherence cohesion
You need to work on the coherence and cohesion by crafting more seamless transitions between ideas and paragraphs. This will help your essay flow better and make it easier to follow.
task achievement
Try to expand on ideas and give more specific examples, tying them directly to your main arguments. This will strengthen your argument and help illustrate your points more clearly.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion provide a clear framework for your essay, giving it a well-structured feel.
task achievement
You have presented clear and comprehensive ideas which directly address the task prompt.
task achievement
The examples you have provided are relevant and help in supporting your main points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: