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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

It is said that travel broadens the mind. What can we learn by travelling to other countries? Should we first explore our own countries? What do you think?

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In the modern era, everybody has
resources
Correct article usage
the resources
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 to visit foreign countries that help them to broaden their horizon.
Moreover
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, there are certain things that can be learnt by travelling to other nations.
However
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, I think individuals should give more preference to explore their own countries. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both statements in the upcoming paragraphs with my own viewpoints.
To begin
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 with, by visiting other countries, one can learn about the culture and traditions of that nation.
For instance
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, when a person goes to other places, he gets a chance to meet new people and learn about their culture like what they wear
?
Change the punctuation
.
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 and what they eat?
as well as
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 about their history by visiting their historical places.
As a result
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, it not only helps them to enhance their knowledge about others by exploring things but
also
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 increases their chances of employment in future.
However
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, the first priority should be their own
country
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.
For example
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, some people do not know about their
country
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's biggest tourist attractions owing to
this
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,
firstly
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, they should check that
then
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 they should decide whether they intend to visit another
country
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 or not as it can be less expensive to explore own land compared to others.
In addition
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 to
this
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, money can be saved to travel to more places because if they choose to go to other residents
then
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 they have to pay for plane tickets.
Consequently
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, visiting own
country
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 has more benefits than another one. In conclusion,
although
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 there are certain positive things about being to other nations, exploring your own nation can be a great option to consider. In my perspective, I would say, citizens should first visit their own
country
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 to attain depth knowledge of history and tradition.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Try to structure your paragraphs more clearly by using topic sentences and ensuring that each paragraph addresses a single main idea. This will improve the logical flow of your essay.
Task Achievement
Ensure that your ideas are fully explained and developed. In some parts of the essay, the ideas were introduced but not fully expanded upon, which can reduce clarity.
Task Achievement
While specific examples are provided, they could be more detailed. Try to give concrete examples and elaborate on them more comprehensively to strengthen your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Strong introduction and conclusion that clearly outline the main points of your essay.
Task Achievement
You did a good job of presenting arguments for both sides of the discussion, which shows a balanced viewpoint.
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task prompt well, providing a complete response to the questions posed.
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