IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Scientists agree that many people eat too mucch junk food and it is damaging their health. Some people think that this problem can be solved by educating people, while others believe that education will not work. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Lots of
researchs
Correct your spelling
research
researches
illustrate
Correct subject-verb agreement
illustrates
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 that there is an increase in
population
Correct article usage
the population
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 consuming fast
food
Use synonyms
, which affects negatively
on
Change preposition
apply
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their health. Whether
this
Linking Words
matters
Correct subject-verb agreement
matter
show examples
 can be dealt
by
Change preposition
with by
show examples
education
Use synonyms
 or not is a controversial topic.
Although
Linking Words
 many
people
Use synonyms
 argue that
this
Linking Words
 solution is possible,
this
Linking Words
 writer opposes
this
Linking Words
 opinion
due to
Linking Words
service
Correct article usage
the service
show examples
 and addictive substances of junk
food
Use synonyms
. It should be acknowledged that junk
food
Use synonyms
 contains numerous addictive substances. As these meals are usually high in saturated fats and added sugars,
he
Correct your spelling
the
show examples
 flavour is appealing and attractive, which makes consumers get
obessed
Correct your spelling
obsessed
 with them. Because of
this
Linking Words
 fact,
people
Use synonyms
 tend to eat more in spite of knowing its detrimental impact on their health
..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
show examples
 Taking the USA as an example, there is a high rate of citizens who
get
Verb problem
are
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obesity
Replace the word
obese
show examples
.
Hence
Linking Words
,
education
Use synonyms
 cannot
solved
Change the verb form
solve
show examples
 properly
this
Linking Words
 issue.
However
Linking Words
, some individuals argue that educating
people
Use synonyms
 since they are children about fast
food
Use synonyms
’s impact is efficient.
In other words
Linking Words
, teenagers are able to understand its danger and would avoid it.
Although
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 idea has its own logic, it is difficult to prevent humans from their desire to try new things.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
due to
Linking Words
 companies’
colorful
Change the spelling
colourful
show examples
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
, children are persuaded to
gie
Correct your spelling
give
a
Correct pronoun usage
it a
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try and find it hard to resist.
Thus
Linking Words
, there must be additional policies, not only
education
Use synonyms
, to change consumer behaviour. From
personal
Add an article
a personal
show examples
 perspective, fast
food
Use synonyms
 is popular because of companies’ services. Not only
being
Wrong verb form
is it
show examples
 fast to serve customers
,
Add the word(s)
, but
show examples
the affordable price
also
Linking Words
 attracts residents to pay for them rather than choosing healthy meals.
According to
Linking Words
 a survey in Australia, the majority of participants chose to grab a snack on their go to satisfy their carvings. Taking all into consideration,
education
Use synonyms
 is not efficient enough to deal with
this
Linking Words
 problem.
Hence
Linking Words
, local authorities should come up with strategies to make junk
food
Use synonyms
 less tempting to
people
Use synonyms
.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure consistency in your argument. At the beginning, you mentioned that education is not a suitable solution, but later you acknowledged its partial effectiveness. A more consistent stance strengthens your argument.
coherence cohesion
Improve sentence structure and variety. Some sentences are repetitive, and enhancing variety can make your essay more engaging.
task achievement
Provide more detailed examples and statistics to support your points. For instance, specifying what kind of addictive substances are in junk food and how exactly these adverts influence children can add more depth to your argument.
task achievement
Pay attention to minor grammatical errors and word choices. For example, 'obessed' should be 'obsessed' and 'researchs' should be 'research.' Addressing these will improve readability.
task achievement
It’s good that you acknowledged the complexity of the issue by discussing both viewpoints clearly.
coherence cohesion
You used appropriate linking words and phrases like 'although,' 'in other words,' and 'additionally,' which help improve the flow of your essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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