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Band 3

It is said that travel broadens the mind. What can we learn by travelling to other countries? Should we first explore our own countries? What do you think?

#travel #mind #countries #first
I do agree that travelling is one of the best
way
Change to a plural noun
ways
show examples
 of learning. By travelling, I can learn a new perspective from different
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
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 of people,
new
Correct article usage
a new
show examples
 culture from the cities I visited, and perhaps build
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 with strangers I met
a long
Correct your spelling
along
show examples
 the way. I personally prefer to start
explore from
Wrong verb form
exploring
show examples
 my own
city
. It is an amusing experience to act like a tourist in your own
city
. We might just experience only
small
Correct article usage
a small
show examples
 part of the
city
 all
this
 time. Who knows by exploring the new side of the
city
, we can find the new favorite dishes, or maybe a whole new cultures that align with our values. And I can say I'm lucky to be born in Indonesia
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because Indonesia has a lot of beautiful
city
Change to a plural noun
cities
show examples
 with amazing
culture
Replace the word
cultural
show examples
heritages
Fix the agreement mistake
heritage
show examples
. We have 5 big islands here, Sumatra, Java, Papua, Sulawesi, and Kalimantan.
And my
Correct word choice
My
show examples
goals
Fix the agreement mistake
goal
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 to have
opportunity
Correct article usage
the opportunity
show examples
 to hike the mountains
at
Change preposition
on
show examples
 each
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
island. The main issue regarding domestic travel in my country is airfare
cost
Fix the agreement mistake
costs
show examples
 too high. The cost of flying from Java to Sulawesi, which
spends
Verb problem
takes
show examples
 around 3 hours, is more expensive than flying from Java to Korea, which
spends
Verb problem
takes
show examples
 more than 3 hours. No wonder many people in my country
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 more likely to choose
travelling
Change the verb form
to travel
show examples
 abroad.
Submitted by brendaandrina on

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coherence cohesion
Try to write a stronger introduction and conclusion to clearly outline your thesis and summarize your main points.
coherence cohesion
Introduce each paragraph with a clear topic sentence to make your main ideas more apparent to the reader.
task achievement
Although the essay presents relevant examples, it could benefit from more specific details and analysis. For instance, you could elaborate on how interacting with different cultures can influence one's mindset.
task achievement
Avoid minor grammatical errors and aim for varied sentence structures to enhance readability.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant examples and personal experiences, which add depth to the argument.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear logical structure, and ideas are presented in a coherent manner.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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