IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Do you agree or disagree with the following statements? Because people are busy doing so many different things, they do very few things well. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

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These days, people focus more on the versatility of their actions rather than the quality, leading to their inability to achieve great results at all.
This
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 essay will explore why I personally agree with that statement and support my stance with several examples. First and foremost, individuals' aspiration to become proficient in a number of different areas leaves them with a very little
time
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 they can dedicate to
one
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 distinct direction.
That is
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 to say, as people attempt to focus on a variety of different things, they begin to spend less
time
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 developing any of them.
As a result
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,
although
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 they become relatively good at many disciplines, they struggle to become professionals
due to
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 a lack of
time
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, the problem that they have created themselves.
For instance
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, many high-school students spend large amounts of their
time
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 studying all school subjects to keep their
overall
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 GDP from falling down, rather than focusing on
one
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 specific.
Subsequently
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,
although
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 they typically demonstrate decent results in all spheres, only a few of them are proficient at any of them.
Furthermore
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,
such
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 versatility in skills and knowledge often harms their interest and engagement in
one
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 specific sphere. Indeed, learning new hobbies always seem to be more interesting than advancing the present ones because of human nature, which gets easily distracted.
This
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 means that even if a person has sufficient
time
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 to dedicate to each of their engagements, they subconsciously develop new hobbies more, owing to their higher attractiveness.
For example
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, some of my friends were keen on playing piano and believed they could become professional musicians
one
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 day.
Nevertheless
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, after a
while
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, they became more interested in sports
such
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 as football and basketball, which distracted them from their musical careers, hindering their
overall
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 progress in
this
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 field. All things considered, people who tend to be professionals in many disciplines are less likely to achieve big success in any of them. The main reasons for
this
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 are that individuals often suffer from the lack of
time
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, associated with their engagement in numerous spheres, and the human's predilection to learn something new rather than developing the present skills.

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coherence and cohesion
While your ideas are well-organized, consider using a clearer structure that explicitly outlines your main points in the introduction, including a brief overview of the examples you will discuss.
task achievement
You could strengthen your argument by providing more specific examples or personal experiences to add depth to your points and illustrate your ideas more vividly.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear opinion on the topic and maintains a consistent perspective throughout, which is crucial for scoring well in task achievement.
coherence and cohesion
You have effectively utilized transitions and connectors, allowing for a smooth flow of ideas between paragraphs, which enhances overall coherence.
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