IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #illness #disease #governments #focus #pollution
In today's world,
pollution
 like air,
water
, and noise
pollution
, have become a significant impact on human health.
While
 some people argue that carcinogenic products cause diseases, some individuals contend that environmental
pollution
 produces more hazardous damage. In
this
 case, I perceive noxious foodstuffs may lead to more health issues and cancers than
pollution
.
Thus
, I suppose the disagreement of focusing more on environmental
pollution
. On the one hand, companies or heavy industries contaminating streams and rivers by illegally watering the sewage may force behind the problems of
water
pollution
.
For instance
, the Taiwanese have faced not only air
pollution
 but
also
water
pollution
, that's because the Taiwanese government has not stopped from firms discharging
water
pollution
 to lakes and utterly relied on thermal power to produce electricity.
Consequently
, being exposed to the poisonous can lead to human health problems.
On the other hand
, recent research noted that absorbing carcinogenic substances from food products may be the main reason causing cancers compared to the 2000s. For illustrate, Sudan Red is used to colourize solvents and clothes;
however
, some producers add industrial raw materials to reduce costs, resulting in severe diseases.
Moreover
, the problem of carcinogenic foodstuffs should be more concentrated on the issue of environmental
pollution
.
Therefore
, I disagree with the government taking ages to reduce
pollution
instead
 of food products. All in all, people concerned about carcinogenic materials are the key to suffering from cancers, leading to the possibility of getting cancer. I believe that governments should pay more attention to the safety of the
foodstu
Correct your spelling
foodstuff
foods
Submitted by aa0963178783 on

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task achievement
To achieve a higher score, you should work on clearly presenting your stance in the introduction and conclusion. While you indicate your disagreement, it could be made more explicit. Make sure your introduction outlines what you will discuss, and your conclusion succinctly summarizes your main points.
task achievement
Avoid repetition and vague expressions. For instance, clarify what you mean by 'noxious foodstuffs' and how they contribute to diseases, connecting more closely to the topic's focus on government roles in pollution and housing.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph flows logically to the next. Consider using linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your arguments. Currently, there are some abrupt transitions that affect the readability of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with more specific examples and evidence. Instead of solely referring to general research, you could cite studies or statistics where governments successfully managed pollution or food safety issues. This lends more credibility to your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your essay addresses several important aspects of public health, such as carcinogenic products and the effects of environmental pollution.
task achievement
The essay demonstrates a thoughtful attempt to consider multiple perspectives on the issue, which is a strong foundation for a balanced argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
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