IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Scientists agree that many people eat too much junk food and it is damaging their health. Some people think that this problem can be solved by educating people, while others believe that education will not work. Discuss both view and give your own opinion

#scientists #people #junk #food #health #education #work
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Presently,
beacause
Correct your spelling
because
 of tedious and exhausting work or study, some
people
Use synonyms
 tend to overeat junk
food
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of cooking healthy homemade dishes.
This
Linking Words
 eating habit over a long period leads to some
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
 problems,
such
Linking Words
 as
hearth-related
Correct your spelling
heart-related
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diseaes
Correct your spelling
diseases
disease
,
increase
Wrong verb form
increased
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 blood pressure,... Some believe
education
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 is the main factor
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
 help
people
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 prefer eating healthy
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
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 to eating fast
food
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.
The others
Correct article usage
Others
show examples
 think that there are some factors
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
 make
people
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do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not eat snacks, except
education
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will illustrate both views and give my own opinion. On one side of
this
Linking Words
 argument,
education
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 has a big impact on
this
Linking Words
 issue. As we know, in fact
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the citizens often select
food
Use synonyms
base
Wrong verb form
based
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 on their taste, not the ingredients that are being put in them, so,
this
Linking Words
 habit can destroy the balance of
human
Add an article
the human
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 body.
However
Linking Words
, if
people
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 have
widen
Change the verb form
widened
show examples
 knowledge, they can know fast
food
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 has many processed
preservates
Correct your spelling
preservatives
preserves
 and contain extremely high calories.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they can use social media
learn
Fix the infinitive
to learn
show examples
 about helpful methods that can prevent it
throughout
Change preposition
through
show examples
 videos of nutritious leaders to prevent
this
Linking Words
 issue.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I think
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education
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 is the best way to
ecourage
Correct your spelling
encourage
people
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 to make a healthy meal and limit snacks. Moving onto another side of
this
Linking Words
 argument that
education
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 cannot work on
Correct article usage
a prober
show examples
prober
Correct your spelling
proper
show examples
 diet. It
bases
Wrong verb form
is based
show examples
 on the factories which create these snacks. They can replace harmful chemicals in the fast
food
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 with the healthy ingredients.
For example
Linking Words
, the company can create a kind of hamburger
that is
Linking Words
 made from
vegetable
Fix the agreement mistake
vegetables
show examples
instead
Linking Words
 of meat or beef,
can
Correct pronoun usage
which can
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 benefit
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
human health. In conclusion,
people
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 should choose a healthy diet and limit junk
food
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, because their health can be easily affected by unhealthy nourishment.
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task achievement
Try to address both views more evenly. Currently, the essay focuses more on the benefits of education while giving less attention to the opposing view. Balance the discussion to ensure a more thorough exploration of both sides.
task achievement
Aim to provide more relevant and specific examples. The example about hamburgers made from vegetables is a start, but additional detailed and varied examples would strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical structure of the essay. Ensure each paragraph flows smoothly from one point to the next and that there is a clear connection between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Check for small language errors, particularly spelling and word choice (e.g., 'hearth-related' should be 'heart-related', 'increase blood pressure' should be 'increased blood pressure').
task achievement
The essay makes a good attempt to address the topic and discusses both views, providing reasons for each side.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and offer a frame for the discussion.
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