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Band 4.5

Scientists agree that many people eat too much junk food and it is damaging their health. Some people think that this problem can be solved by educating people, while others believe that education will not work. Discuss both view and give your own opinion

#scientists #people #junk #food #health #education #work
Presently,
beacause
Correct your spelling
because
 of tedious and exhausting work or study, some
people
 tend to overeat junk
food
instead
 of cooking healthy homemade dishes.
This
 eating habit over a long period leads to some
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
 problems,
such
 as
hearth-related
Correct your spelling
heart-related
show examples
diseaes
Correct your spelling
diseases
disease
,
increase
Wrong verb form
increased
show examples
 blood pressure,... Some believe
education
 is the main factor
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
 help
people
 prefer eating healthy
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
 to eating fast
food
.
The others
Correct article usage
Others
show examples
 think that there are some factors
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
 make
people
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not eat snacks, except
education
.
This
 essay will illustrate both views and give my own opinion. On one side of
this
 argument,
education
 has a big impact on
this
 issue. As we know, in fact
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the citizens often select
food
base
Wrong verb form
based
show examples
 on their taste, not the ingredients that are being put in them, so,
this
 habit can destroy the balance of
human
Add an article
the human
show examples
 body.
However
, if
people
 have
widen
Change the verb form
widened
show examples
 knowledge, they can know fast
food
 has many processed
preservates
Correct your spelling
preservatives
preserves
 and contain extremely high calories.
Moreover
, they can use social media
learn
Fix the infinitive
to learn
show examples
 about helpful methods that can prevent it
throughout
Change preposition
through
show examples
 videos of nutritious leaders to prevent
this
 issue.
Therefore
, I think
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education
 is the best way to
ecourage
Correct your spelling
encourage
people
 to make a healthy meal and limit snacks. Moving onto another side of
this
 argument that
education
 cannot work on
Correct article usage
a prober
show examples
prober
Correct your spelling
proper
show examples
 diet. It
bases
Wrong verb form
is based
show examples
 on the factories which create these snacks. They can replace harmful chemicals in the fast
food
 with the healthy ingredients.
For example
, the company can create a kind of hamburger
that is
 made from
vegetable
Fix the agreement mistake
vegetables
show examples
instead
 of meat or beef,
can
Correct pronoun usage
which can
show examples
 benefit
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
human health. In conclusion,
people
 should choose a healthy diet and limit junk
food
, because their health can be easily affected by unhealthy nourishment.
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task achievement
Try to address both views more evenly. Currently, the essay focuses more on the benefits of education while giving less attention to the opposing view. Balance the discussion to ensure a more thorough exploration of both sides.
task achievement
Aim to provide more relevant and specific examples. The example about hamburgers made from vegetables is a start, but additional detailed and varied examples would strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical structure of the essay. Ensure each paragraph flows smoothly from one point to the next and that there is a clear connection between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Check for small language errors, particularly spelling and word choice (e.g., 'hearth-related' should be 'heart-related', 'increase blood pressure' should be 'increased blood pressure').
task achievement
The essay makes a good attempt to address the topic and discusses both views, providing reasons for each side.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and offer a frame for the discussion.

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