IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people suggest that setting up more gyms will encourage people to remain active. What problems are associated with this proposal? What solutions can you offer for good health?

#people #gyms #offer #health
It is thought by some people that people can be encouraged to remain healthy by building more
gyms
 around their residential areas. In
this
 essay, the effects and solutions of
this
 matter will be outlined before reaching my conclusion.
To begin
 with, constructing more
gyms
 causes several problems
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 communities.
Firstly
, setting up
gyms
 needs spaces and the available parks in the communities might be chosen.
This
 will affect the older generations' health directly as these days, the senior population enjoys doing exercises or working out in parks or green spaces in the morning
due to
 the freshness of the environment.
Hence
, an encroachment on those areas makes senior citizens unable access to their regular physical activities leading to becoming inactive.
Moreover
, building more
gyms
also
 makes youngsters disconnect from their parents or
families
. The new generations will opt for going to the
gyms
, which have comprehensive machines to work out
such
 as treadmills or weight lifting machines,
instead
 of doing exercises
together with
 their
families
 in the morning. Leading to a lack of conversation or interaction between
families
, fading the bond.
However
, there are many ways to solve the disadvantages of setting up
gyms
. For, example, we can redesign the park by constructing
gyms
 in the middle
as well as
 surrounding green areas for senior individuals to do their exercises.
Therefore
, youths can rather choose to work out with their parents outside, in green spaces, or take them inside the
gyms
 to do other physical activities together. With
this
 idea, young people will still have tight bonds with their
families
 and all family members stay fit. All in all, it is possible to set up more
gyms
 in our communities but designers need to consider
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
 all angles in order to not only keep individuals of all ages active but
also
 family bonding is still the same or getting better.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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task achievement
You have addressed both parts of the task and provided a relevant response, but there is room for further development and clearer elaboration of your points. Make sure to provide more specific examples and explanations to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is logically structured with clear paragraphs, but some transitions between ideas could be smoother. Try using a wider range of linking words and phrases to improve the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
While your main points are supported with reasoning, adding more specific examples and details would make your arguments more convincing. Consider elaborating on the points further to provide a more comprehensive response.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and well-presented, contributing to a coherent overall structure.
task achievement
You have presented clear ideas and provided a generally comprehensive response to the task, which helps to maintain readers' understanding.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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