IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In some countries, many parents teach their kids that everything can be achieved if they work try enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In some countries, many parents teach their kids that everything can be achieved if they work try enough. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, both the positive and negative consequences will be discussed in detail before the conclusion is reached.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, there are many advantages to
this
Linking Words
 message. A responsible and hardworking personality is the main key benefit, as it can serve as a growth mindset for individual development in both career and personal life.
For example
Linking Words
, if children are keen to get a higher score,
this
Linking Words
 mindset could help them learn by themselves, resulting in higher grades in school.
Additionally
Linking Words
, in their future life, reaching a higher salary position in their workplace requires a lot of responsibility and effort which could be an advantage if they can learn
this
Linking Words
 from an early age. Another benefit is self-rewarding, achieving the goal by putting in strong effort offers self-fulfilment, leading to a positive learning process for children and becoming a valuable lesson.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are some negative consequences associated with
this
Linking Words
 notion, teaching offspring that anything can be owned or achieved without proper guidance can be harmful to them because many things cannot be afforded by just trying hard.
For instance
Linking Words
, some luxury cars can be a dream item for low-income families without realizing a reality or owning a situation will bring some disappointment, leading to serious mental health like low self-esteem and depression and even financial failure from spending money on unnecessary things. In conclusion,
this
Linking Words
 teaching message from parents provides several advantages for their children
such
Linking Words
 as responsibility, growth mindset, hardworking personality and self-rewarding.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 can bring some drawbacks including misleading, low self-esteem and depression.
Therefore
Linking Words
, parents should take responsibility for proper guidance to minimize the side effects.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay could benefit from a clearer introduction and more specific examples to illustrate the points. Consider adding an example for the mental health issues mentioned to strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence, ensure that every point flows smoothly to the next. This can be achieved by using a greater variety of linking expressions. Additionally, clearly separate positive consequences from negative ones.
coherence cohesion
The essay is generally well-organized with clear paragraphs for both the advantages and disadvantages.
task response
You provided a broad view of both the benefits and drawbacks, which shows a balanced approach to the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: