Write about the following topic. Some people consider art to be essential and others think it is not. Which view do you agree with and why? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
In the modern era, art is gaining popularity in many parts of the nation. A group of schools suggests that
arts
are prominent in our lives, while
, others opine that it is not. Although
, arts
bring manifold benefits to the society. However
, from my perspective, I believe that we should not rely on the arts
.
To begin
with, there are many reasons why it is not important , unlike other subjects such
as Science and Mathematics. First and foremost, people are not certain that they gain a reasonable amount of money from which they can meet their basic needs. Recent research,
has shown that around 60% of youngsters do not earn well enough to survive . Remove the comma
apply
Whereas
, in other fields, a plethora of jobs are available in the market. Thus
, youngsters not only earn an ample amount of amount but also
update their living standards.
Apart from
this
, people are not fortunate enough who have god-gifted skills such
as dancing, singing and similar other various fields. So, even if they proceed there are no 100% chances to succeed in their life. Only a few talented persons have set an example in this
area. Moreover
, their families will also
encounter poverty because they are dependent on them. Consequently
, Poverty will strike in the country because only a handful of engineers and doctors cannot manage to nurture the destitute, in repercussion the economy of the nation will degrade and other problems will arise.
In short, although
art is a welcomed phenomenon by society we should not indulge towards it as only a few talented adults have grown in this
field. However
, I believe that we should discourage the young generation if they pursue arts
.Submitted by athulyaraj0011 on
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task achievement
Your introduction effectively outlines the topic and presents your stance. However, it can be improved by clarifying that the society also benefits from art to provide a balanced view before stating your opinion clearly.
task achievement
The essay lacks some specific examples or evidence to back up the arguments. Incorporating data, personal experiences, or references to known facts can strengthen your points.
coherence cohesion
There are some grammatical errors, such as improper use of articles and punctuation. For example, “arts are prominent in our lives, while, others opine that it is not,” where the comma after 'while' is unnecessary.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to connect your ideas smoothly. For example, transition phrases like 'Furthermore' or 'Additionally' can be used to enhance the flow between paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Avoid repetition of similar ideas. For example, the concern about job availability in arts-related fields could have been mentioned once and elaborated on with more depth rather than being repeated.
coherence cohesion
Good attempt at presenting a structured argument with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
Clearly stated position on the issue, which is important for achieving a high score in task response.
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