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Band 5.5

Government should spend money to encourage the development of sport and art for school students, rather than supporting professional sports and art performances for the general public. Do you agree or disagree? Give your own opinion.

#government #money #development #sport #art #school #students #sports #performances
So many countries' governments support the
sports
 and
art
 sections by making people aware of the
sports
 and
art
 benefits. Some of them prefer to encourage
this
 talent from schools.
On the other hand
, some prefer to support professionals in the mentioned field.
This
 essay will discuss these two points of view. On the one hand, encouraging school students in
art
 and
sports
 is the milestone of finding the student's talents. So, many schools do not have enough budget to help them to improve it
while
 the
government
 can help. As an example, when the teachers find a student who is talented and inspired by an
art
 or sport they will give him a chance to participate in the competition that the
government
 sponsors. From my experience, I participated in a mathematics competition in my high school, it was an unforgettable memory and achievement
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 had .
On the other hand
, professional
sports
 and
art
 performances are the ones who already perform their country's effort. Since the
government
 supports them and ignores new talent they will not be able to discover their potential.
In addition
, An example of
that is
 when a professional or
art
performances
Replace the word
performer
show examples
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 an accident and they can not do work they give the new discovery to shine up. In my opinion, the
government
 must give the same opportunity to both and support them.
this
 essay discussed both two points of view with examples.
Hence
, the student in school must be focused on rather than performance and professionalism, and that was my opinion
abot
Correct your spelling
about
 those arguments.
Submitted by hanadi.alajmi92 on

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task achievement
The essay could benefit from more clarity in presenting ideas. Ensure that each point is clearly related to the main argument.
task achievement
More relevant and specific examples should be provided to support the arguments. This will strengthen your position and make your essay more convincing.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow of ideas can be improved. Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next and that ideas within paragraphs are logically connected.
coherence cohesion
The introduction should be more engaging and clearly state your position on the issue. The conclusion should summarize the key points discussed in the essay and restate your opinion clearly.
task achievement
You've addressed both sides of the argument, which is good. This shows a balanced perspective.
task achievement
Personal examples can make your argument more relatable and authentic.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with distinct paragraphs for different points of view.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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