IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

The debate exists on whether young people should have the freedom to select their own profession or if they should adopt a pragmatic approach, considering their future more seriously. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#debate #people #freedom #profession #approach #future
Some are of the opinion that upon graduation students should choose the profession of their choice.
However
, few folks contradict
this
 idea and suggest they should select a career that will give them financial stability and career growth. I will discuss both the ideas and conclude my point of view.
Firstly
, today's youngsters are very ambitious and are crystal clear in what they want to pursue as a career because they have access to enormous amounts of information and resources.
Hence
, they tend to be very confident in their decisions and are reluctant to alter their choice for other's sake.
Secondly
, there are a plethora of options to earn an income. In today's day and age, there is no compulsion to go to the office and perform sedentary work. Working has become virtual irrespective of the department. Thanks to advancements in technology.
For example
, a recent survey performed by the Happy-Workers website concluded that people who had the freedom to choose their profession excel more in their department as they are more dedicated towards their crafts.
Also
, they are the happiest workforce.
On the contrary
, some advise that after education,
one
 must choose a traditional 9-5 job which, offers a steady source of income and security. The reason for
this
 idea is because, it offers minimal risk as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 they are aware of the outcomes of their job. In order to put "bread and butter on the table"
one
 should have a constant source of income. To exemplify, the Times of India conducted a survey asking 50 men & women if they would leave their sedentary jobs for their dream jobs. More than 95% answered no
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because they are unsure of the outcome they will reap out of their dream job and they can not lose what they have for the unknown fairy.
Overall
, I believe,
one
 must choose security and stability in order to live hassle-free life.
However
, If there is no commitment on the horizon, people can opt occupation of their choice. After all, life is short and
one
 needs to have the freedom to choose what
one
 wants to become at the same time
one
 should
also
 have realistic and secure future plans.
Submitted by u.umayal92 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your introduction sets the stage well for your discussion. However, make sure your thesis statement is clear and concise. A slight rephrasing will make your intent more explicit. Perhaps, 'This essay will discuss both perspectives and provide my own viewpoint at the end.' would be a bit clearer.
coherence and cohesion
While the essay is generally coherent, some of the transitions between points could be smoothed out. For instance, the transition between discussing ambitious youngsters and myriad income options feels abrupt. Use linking phrases like 'Moreover,' or 'Additionally,' to enhance the flow of your ideas.
task response
Your examples are relevant and appropriately support your arguments. To make your essay even stronger, ensure the examples directly tie back to your point. After each example, explicitly discuss how it supports the argument you're making in that paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, ensure that each paragraph starts with a topic sentence that clearly indicates what the paragraph will discuss. This helps maintain the logical flow and readability.
coherence and cohesion
You have a strong conclusion that succinctly wraps up the discussion and provides your viewpoint eloquently. This leaves a lasting impression on the reader.
task response
Your essay covers both viewpoints comprehensively and provides a balanced discussion before moving to your opinion, which is in line with the task requirements.
task response
The use of surveys and data points effectively strengthens your argument and makes your essay more persuasive.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • empowers
  • fulfilling careers
  • personal satisfaction
  • job security
  • potential earnings
  • market demand
  • pragmatic choice
  • stability
  • secure future
  • intertwining
  • emerging market trends
  • innovation
  • ecosystem
  • guidance
  • skill development
What to do next:
Look at other essays: