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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that the best way to encourage children that have a healthy diet at school and some people believe that parents should teach them to have a healthy diet. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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There is an ongoing debate about which one has a more important role in teaching
children
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 about having a healthy
diet
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, School or
parents
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?
While
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 some people contend that
children
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 should be encouraged to have a healthy
diet
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 through school lessons, I believe that
parents
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 play a more crucial role in
this
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 matter and I will elaborate on my opinion. On the one hand, some individuals state that the education system, including schools, could affect
children
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's
food
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 habits more significantly and guide them to have a healthier
diet
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 and lifestyle. They believe schools can present some
food
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-related subjects in classes and aware students of the drawbacks of overeating fast
food
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 and less calorie-meal.
For example
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, teachers can provide some beneficial information about the disadvantages of eating hamburgers more than once a month.
Furthermore
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, they should talk about how good the high-calorie and hygienic foods are to encourage them to change their direction in eating.
Nevertheless
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, I believe that
parents
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' words have a greater impact on
children
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 than teachers. The first reason is
children
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 spend about 70% of their week at home alongside their
parents
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, so it is obvious that
children
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 have more interaction with
parents
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 in a week.
Moreover
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, owing to the fact that
children
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 eat most of their meals at home, not school or anywhere.
Thus
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children
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's eating habits can be
impressed
Verb problem
improved
show examples
 effectively and simply in a short time by cooking healthier
food
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. The second reason relates to the child's financial dependence on the family.
Due to
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 the
parents
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' financial role in
children
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's lives,
parents
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 are able to control the amount of eating outdoor
food
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 by managing the proportion of money they give to
children
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 every week.
Parents
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 can set limits on
children
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's spending on fried chicken,
for instance
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, and encourage them to save money
instead
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.
This
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 strict method could lead to less expenditure on fast
food
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 and make
children
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 thoughtful about the importance of both money and
food
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. In conclusion,
although
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 some believe that the education system has more crucial obligations regarding
children
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's
diet
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, I think that
due to
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 the amount of time
children
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 spend with their
parents
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 and their financial dependence
to
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on
show examples
parents
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,
parents
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 could encourage them to have healthier diets easier.

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coherence cohesion
To further improve coherence and cohesion, consider using more varied transition signals and avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeating 'the first reason is,' try using 'Firstly' and 'Secondly' for better flow.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph stays focused on a single idea. The second paragraph covers both school education and fast food drawbacks. Consider splitting it into two smaller paragraphs for clarity.
task achievement
The essay already does well in providing specific examples, but more variety might enrich the essay further. Maybe add an example of a successful healthy eating program in schools or a family-oriented meal plan that worked.
task achievement
To reach an even higher task response, consider integrating counter-arguments and refuting them concisely, showing awareness of opposing views while strengthening your stance.
introduction
Your introduction clearly outlines the two perspectives and states your opinion effectively, setting a nice tone for the essay.
conclusion
The conclusion serves as a solid summary of your arguments and effectively restates your main opinion.
examples
You have provided specific examples and reasons to back your opinion about why parents have a more significant impact.
structure
Logical structure is generally clear, with a balanced discussion of both views followed by your opinion and supporting arguments.
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