Some people believe that the best way to encourage children that have a healthy diet at school and some people believe that parents should teach them to have a healthy diet. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
There is an ongoing debate about which one has a more important role in teaching
children
about having a healthy diet
, School or parents
? While
some people contend that children
should be encouraged to have a healthy diet
through school lessons, I believe that parents
play a more crucial role in this
matter and I will elaborate on my opinion.
On the one hand, some individuals state that the education system, including schools, could affect children
's food
habits more significantly and guide them to have a healthier diet
and lifestyle. They believe schools can present some food
-related subjects in classes and aware students of the drawbacks of overeating fast food
and less calorie-meal. For example
, teachers can provide some beneficial information about the disadvantages of eating hamburgers more than once a month. Furthermore
, they should talk about how good the high-calorie and hygienic foods are to encourage them to change their direction in eating.
Nevertheless
, I believe that parents
' words have a greater impact on children
than teachers. The first reason is children
spend about 70% of their week at home alongside their parents
, so it is obvious that children
have more interaction with parents
in a week. Moreover
, owing to the fact that children
eat most of their meals at home, not school or anywhere. Thus
children
's eating habits can be impressed
effectively and simply in a short time by cooking healthier Verb problem
improved
food
. The second reason relates to the child's financial dependence on the family. Due to
the parents
' financial role in children
's lives, parents
are able to control the amount of eating outdoor food
by managing the proportion of money they give to children
every week. Parents
can set limits on children
's spending on fried chicken, for instance
, and encourage them to save money instead
. This
strict method could lead to less expenditure on fast food
and make children
thoughtful about the importance of both money and food
.
In conclusion, although
some believe that the education system has more crucial obligations regarding children
's diet
, I think that due to
the amount of time children
spend with their parents
and their financial dependence to
Change preposition
on
parents
, parents
could encourage them to have healthier diets easier.Submitted by hesam.kord.f on
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coherence cohesion
To further improve coherence and cohesion, consider using more varied transition signals and avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeating 'the first reason is,' try using 'Firstly' and 'Secondly' for better flow.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph stays focused on a single idea. The second paragraph covers both school education and fast food drawbacks. Consider splitting it into two smaller paragraphs for clarity.
task achievement
The essay already does well in providing specific examples, but more variety might enrich the essay further. Maybe add an example of a successful healthy eating program in schools or a family-oriented meal plan that worked.
task achievement
To reach an even higher task response, consider integrating counter-arguments and refuting them concisely, showing awareness of opposing views while strengthening your stance.
introduction
Your introduction clearly outlines the two perspectives and states your opinion effectively, setting a nice tone for the essay.
conclusion
The conclusion serves as a solid summary of your arguments and effectively restates your main opinion.
examples
You have provided specific examples and reasons to back your opinion about why parents have a more significant impact.
structure
Logical structure is generally clear, with a balanced discussion of both views followed by your opinion and supporting arguments.