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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the general happiness level in Korean society by age, gender, and income in 1980 and 2012.

The charts below show the general happiness level in Korean society by age, gender, and income in 1980 and 2012.
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The three bar graphs illustrate the average
happiness
Use synonyms
level
Use synonyms
 in South Korea
according to
Linking Words
 age, gender, and income in 1980 and 2012. One notable thing is that the youngest
group
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 (between 21 and 30) showed
drmatically
Correct your spelling
dramatically
 a decrease in
happiness
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level
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 in 2012, with a figure from 70% to 23%.
In contrast
Linking Words
, a
group
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 between the ages of 31 and 40 became the happiest
group
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 by 2012. Meanwhile, the other
groups
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 experienced a decline over the period. It is
also
Linking Words
 easy to observe that men showed a
dramatical
Replace the word
dramatic
show examples
 increase in
percentage
Add an article
the percentage
show examples
 of
happiness
Use synonyms
level
Use synonyms
. The proportion went from 52% to almost 70%,
while
Linking Words
female’s
Change noun form
females
show examples
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
decreased to 10%.
According to
Linking Words
 income, the age
groups
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 showed an increase steadily over the course of the time period,
while
Linking Words
 the one
group
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 who earned above $60,000
fall
Replace the word
fell
show examples
 from 70% to 60% exclusively.
Overall
Linking Words
, the data clearly shows that men, a
group
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 aged 31 to 40, and the income
groups
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 who earned less than $60,000 experienced an increase in
happiness
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level
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,
while
Linking Words
 the rest of the age
groups
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, women, and the richest people showed a decline in 2012.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "according to, while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words happiness, level, group, groups with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decline" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 3 times.
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