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Band 5

scientists agree that many people eat too much junk food and it is damaging their health. some people think that this problem can be solved by educating people, while others believe that education will not work. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#scientists #people #junk #food #health #education #work
Whether educating
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
 about the effects of fast
food
 on one's physical health
like
Change preposition
as
show examples
 scientists have identified or using other efficient methods is a highly effective discussion point.
However
, from
this
 prior experience, it is
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
better to teach the public about the
hazard
Fix the agreement mistake
hazards
show examples
 that these foods cause, despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
those who believe that
this
 way will not
useful
Add a missing verb
be useful
show examples
. It must be recognized that an excess of fat, sugar or calories when
consume
Change the verb form
consuming
show examples
 fast
food
 can lead to overweight, especially for those who lead a relatively inactive lifestyle.
Therefore
 , the impacts of saturated fat,
added
Correct word choice
and added
show examples
 sugar were very toxic and should be prevented.
This
 is because eating too much unhealthy
food
 can result in heart
diseases
Fix the agreement mistake
disease
show examples
 and high blood pressure.
However
, not many people notice that information and will ignore it, and governments could deal with
this
 problem by increasing the price of
food
 that
containing
Wrong verb form
contains
show examples
 too
many
Correct quantifier usage
much
show examples
 fat. It can
also
 be observed that fewer people can afford to purchase these products. In recent years, individuals and families have been under significant financial pressure,
due to
 rising
food
 and energy prices globally and the demand for cheaper and possibly healthier alternatives.
However
, the rise
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
food
 prices can cause
argument
Fix the agreement mistake
arguments
show examples
 between companies and governments
due to
 higher taxes. From
this
 writer’s experience,
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 better
to
Correct word choice
able to
show examples
 have a healthier lifestyle. They could pay attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the nutrition of
food
 to ensure the amount of necessary things to prevent obesity. A personal example is limiting the consumption of fast
food
 and
do
Wrong verb form
doing
show examples
 more exercise to enhance
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
physical health. In conclusion, there are better to educate
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
 about junk
food
, as there are benefits for people to recognize the nutrition that these foods contain.
There for
Correct your spelling
Therefore
show examples
, education is more cost-effective than its increasing in prices of
food
.
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coherence cohesion
Work on making the logical flow of your arguments smoother. Use more linking words and phrases to better connect your ideas and paragraphs.
task achievement
Try to address both views more evenly to demonstrate balanced argumentation. Your support for the educational perspective is stronger, which might make your discussion seem one-sided.
task response
Pay attention to grammatical accuracy and variety. While the ideas are clear, errors like "more better" and "despite of" can affect the readability of your essay.
task achievement
You have provided a complete response to the prompt by discussing both perspectives and giving your own opinion.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and set the context and summarize your points effectively.
task response
The essay includes specific examples and explanations, which help to support your ideas well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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