IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Being a celebrity- such as famous film star or sports personality – brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?

#celebrity- #film #star #sports #personality #celebrity
Some
people
 might consider that being a celebrity has more perks and less problems.
However
, I believe the
advatanges
Correct your spelling
advantages
 the
fame
 has
do
Verb problem
are
show examples
 not worth all the struggles that come with it. On the one hand, a number of
people
 believe that
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 life of a
star
 is much easier,
due to
 how
much
Correct quantifier usage
many
show examples
 resources they have. One of them is the abundance of money. Generally speaking,
people
 consider that having an endless flow of constant income can resolve every problem in the world.
For instance
, these days, a lot of
people
, especially
teenagares
Correct your spelling
teenagers
 want to become bloggers via common network platforms. They want to get rich, so in their
eyes
Add a comma
eyes,
show examples
 the only
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
easy way is through
fame
, but they do not consider all the problems it can create. Looking at the other point of view,
evrything
Correct your spelling
everything
 has a price, and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fame
 takes a lot from the
person
. It takes
such
 simple things as the ability to walk alone in the park, to act the way the
person
 wants and not as others expect of him. In a way, all the money, and
fame
 take away the freedom from a
star
. Take
for example
 reporters, their success depends on how valuable the information on
the a
Choose an article
the
a
show examples
star
 is.
Therefore
, it is their mission to uncover something new about
this
 well-known
person
, and it does not matter whether it is true or not.
In other words
,
that is
 how the speculations start and the
person
 who suffers from
that is
 the
star
.
Furthermore
, the mental and physical health can be affected by it immensely. In conclusion,
fame
 might provide a big chunk of money, that might be able to solve everything.
However
, I think it takes freedom from the
person
,
following
this
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
every choice, every decision needs to be considered seriously in advance and the consequences it can bring with it.
Submitted by katenok200312 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Improve paragraphing by making sure that each paragraph focuses on one main idea. Currently, the points tend to be scattered and can make the essay seem less organized.
task achievement
Avoid spelling and grammatical errors. Proofread your essay to correct mistakes like "evrything" (should be "everything"), "advatanges" (should be "advantages"), and "teenagares" (should be "teenagers").
task achievement
Include more specific examples and details to support your main points. For instance, when discussing the problems that fame can bring, specific instances from real-life celebrities would strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Make sure your conclusion summarizes the main points discussed in your essay and clearly states your final viewpoint.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction clearly states your stance on the topic, setting a clear direction for your essay.
coherence cohesion
You have a logical conclusion that reinforces the main argument of your essay.
task achievement
Your ideas are generally clear and the main points are relevant to the essay question.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: