IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business, and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important to be shared freely?

#people #information #research #business #world
It is argued by some people that
idea
Correct article usage
the idea
show examples
 of sharing information is excellent
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 in research, business and
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the academic world,
meanwhile
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meanwhile,
show examples
 others believe that valuable data should not be shared freely. By providing individuals with useful information, they could re-make their project and make it much better,
while
 access to that vital one can cause competition
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 that sphere. On the one hand, it is good to give tips to someone, as there are some moments when
individual
Add an article
an individual
the individual
show examples
 can struggle to achieve desired results.
Hence
, by
this
 data person can improve his research.
For example
, there are so many collaborations
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
available now,
such
 as Oreo and Nutella and Adidas and Nike. By
co-operation
Add a comma
co-operation,
show examples
 these companies improved
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 product by exchanging recipes and made
taste
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the taste
show examples
 of the food more tasty and delicious.
On the other hand
, important secrets can not be given simply. For
the
Correct determiner usage
this
show examples
 reason, by using that , there will be more competitors in one particular area.
For instance
, in
cartoon
Correct article usage
the cartoon
show examples
 called SpongeBob
SguarePants
Correct your spelling
SquarePants
,
main
Add an article
a main
the main
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 character called Crabs
was
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 terrified that
recipe
Correct article usage
the recipe
show examples
 might spread and everyone
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 know
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 secret of making ideal burgers. He did not want to give it for a huge money, because there
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 be a big contest and his regular customers
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 forget about them
due to
 a similarity.
Overall
, sharing information is a great idea as people could improve their projects
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
this
,
while
Correct word choice
but
show examples
 it can
also
 lead to
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
rival
Fix the agreement mistake
rivals
show examples
 among companies.
Submitted by aizered097 on

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task response
Your essay provides a balanced view of both sides of the argument, which is good. However, there is room for improvement in the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas. For instance, in the introduction, the statement 'access to that vital one can cause competition at that sphere' can be rephrased for better clarity. Additionally, 'there are so many collaborations are available now' should be corrected to 'there are so many collaborations available now.'
coherence
To improve coherence and cohesion, you should aim to strengthen the logical structure of your arguments. For example, the transition between discussing the benefits of sharing information and the negative implications can be more fluid. Using transitional phrases like 'Furthermore,' 'Moreover,' and 'On the contrary' can help. Also, make sure each paragraph has a single main idea supported by relevant examples.
task response
Regarding task achievement, your examples are somewhat relevant, but they can be more specific and illustrative. For example, instead of using the cartoon 'SpongeBob SquarePants' to illustrate the importance of keeping secrets, you could use real-world business examples like Coca-Cola's secret formula or KFC's secret recipe. This would make your argument stronger and more credible.
introduction conclusion present
You have introduced the topic well and provided a clear thesis statement, which makes it clear to the reader what your essay will be discussing.
complete response
You have provided a balanced discussion, presenting both the advantages and disadvantages of sharing information, which shows that you understand both sides of the argument.
supported main points
You have made an effort to support your points with examples, even though they could be improved. The use of examples helps to make your arguments more concrete.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • information sharing
  • scientific research
  • business
  • academic world
  • advancement of knowledge
  • progress
  • collaboration
  • cross-disciplinary research
  • open access
  • democratization of information
  • transparency
  • credibility
  • intellectual property
  • security concerns
  • commercial interests
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