IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

In some parts of the world, many famous people are regarded as ‘role models’ and they are having an increasing influence on the young. Is that a positive or negative development?

#parts #world #people #‘role #models’ #influence #development
Nowadays, in many countries celebrities, can considered to be role models and they have tremendous impact on young
generation
. In my opinion
that is
 negative development because their main goal is entertainment and amuse
people
,
moreover
 most of them lead detrimental
Life
 style and promote bad values. First reason why i think that it is negative development is that main goal of celebrities is ammas as much attention as it is possible. In order to achieve that the can perform some silly and scandal acts, which will be imitated by young
generation
 because they can not distinguish bad from good yet.
For example
: there is fighting promotion Hardcore where a lot of famous
people
 can fight, so in most cases before thier bout the celebrities make brawls, insult each other, and because of
this
 show, a lot of young
People
 in Russia perceived that as normal, and the frequency of mugging, abusing and bullying has risen dramatically in the Russia among young
generation
.
Although
 in my point of view
that is
 negative tendency,
however
 some of the famous
people
such
 as Andrew Tate or Jordan Peterson can really help out to improve
life
 or give advice how to behave and how to lead healthy
life
 to new
generation
.
For example
: Andrew Tate assisted a million of lost teenagers, and young
people
 how to make money and how to get confidence. In my conclusion,
although
 in major cases,
that is
 very sad that youth's exposed to influence of famous figures because their main purpose to get more attention, so they can do everything to obtain that.
Moreover
 they can promote disgusting values.
However
 there some famous figures who can propaganda and try to help young
people
 in all aspects of their
life
, from personal
life
 to career
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Ensure consistency in your argumentation. While it's good you mentioned both positive and negative influences of celebrities, the examples need to be more balanced and better integrated into the essay to support your thesis.
coherence cohesion
Work on sentence structure to make your ideas clearer. Breaking longer sentences into shorter ones can often improve comprehension. Additionally, avoid minor errors in grammar and punctuation.
introduction conclusion
The introduction effectively sets up the topic and your opinion on it.
relevant specific examples
You have provided specific examples to support your points, which enhances the task achievement.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • role models
  • celebrity culture
  • aspirational
  • negative influences
  • unrealistic body images
  • discernment
  • amplifying
  • guidance
  • perceptions
  • activism
  • charity work
  • overshadowing
  • endorsements
  • consumer behavior
What to do next:
Look at other essays: