IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

May museums charge for admission while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages?

#museums #charge #admission #people
The
Correct article usage
A
show examples
number
 of
museums
charge
 entrance
fees
 to the public,
while
 others are completely free. Many
people
 think that visiting
museums
 is supposed to be free. In my opinion,
however
, there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
Correct article usage
a
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
number
 of benefits to
Wrong verb form
paying
show examples
pay
Wrong verb form
paying
show examples
 for admission. Served as public spaces,
museums
 have their own
significance
Replace the word
significant
show examples
 role in
people
's lives, and there are some advantages to entering
museums
Correct pronoun usage
that is
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 free for the public. If entering
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of
museums
 is free, all
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Add an article
the people
show examples
, from poor to wealthy, manage to visit there without any payment. It will
also
 encourage the multitude of residents to visit
museums
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
around their habitats.
Moreover
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tourists from abroad manage to visit
museums
 if they are free for
people
.
In addition
, it can stimulate the cultural interactions between different nations. If we look at another side of
this
 notion, there are more advantages if visiting
museums
charge
 the amount of money to the
people
. There might be
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
number
 of reasons
such
 as valuable
exhibits
 or
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 security system for
exhibits
. If the
exhibits
 in
museums
 are rare,
valuable
Correct word choice
and valuable
show examples
 and they are worth
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
payment, it will be good to require
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 small amount of fee.
In addition
,
these
Correct determiner usage
this
show examples
 amount of money is income for
museums
 and their assistants. They will
also
 spend these
fees
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 developing their places and bringing other new
exhibits
 for enjoyment.  In conclusion, many
museums
charge
 admission
fees
 to the residents. I truly support
this
 notion, and there more benefits if
museums
charge
 reasonable entrance
fees
.
Submitted by muxtasar1004 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

clarity
Ensure clarity in your ideas. For instance, the phrase 'there are the number of benefits to pay for admission' is unclear and could be rephrased as 'there are several benefits to charging admission fees.'
specific examples
Provide more specific examples to support your points. Instead of saying 'there might be the number of reasons,' specifically list a few reasons.
cohesion
Improve the logical flow of ideas. For example, the section about free entry should logically connect to the benefits of charging fees, perhaps by highlighting the differences more clearly.
introduction conclusion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame the topic well.
balanced argument
You've made an effort to discuss both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced perspective.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Admission fee
  • Revenue stream
  • Maintenance
  • Overcrowding
  • Commercialization
  • Cultural heritage
  • Diverse attendance
  • Community ownership
  • Access to culture
  • Visitor experience
  • Exhibit quality
  • Cultural mission
  • Reliance on funding
  • Government subsidies
  • Cultural accessibility
What to do next:
Look at other essays: