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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children while others think it is the fault of the parents. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Few are of the opinion that the Government is accountable for the rise in obesity among children
while
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 others contradict the above statement and say parents are to be blamed for their kid's weight gain.
However
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, my opinion is divided. I believe that both parties are equally responsible for
this
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 phenomenon. I will explain my reasoning in the following passages. To embark on, the main reason why people tend to assume that public authorities are answerable
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the increase in child obesity is because the
Food
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 and Beverage departments are the ones that give permission to leading
food
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 companies to produce high-fat and sugar-content junk
foods
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. If they could restrict the production of chips, biscuits, sodas and other harmful
foods
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 young adults would have fewer opportunities to consume them,
thus
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, resulting in normal weight. Despite knowing that they contain bad
ingredients
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, people in power have allowed them to sell their goods.
For example
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, a Study conducted by the Obesity Clinic in Ohio revealed that 87% of snack products in supermarkets contain harmful chemicals. Even though they claim they are healthy, the
ingredients
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 tell
otherwise
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 and the
food
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 departments are reluctant to take any action against these organizations.
On the other hand
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, some blame parents because they are the ones who buy processed
food
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 for their offspring. Because packaged
food
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 contains additives they are addictive in nature
hence
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, children crave more of these
foods
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. In order to satisfy their prodigy's needs and happiness, mothers end up buying them these products.
In addition
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, another prominent reason why parents buy these nibbles is, that they are not aware of the
ingredients
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.
Due to
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 the attractive packaging and false advertisement, they believe that these
foods
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 are good for their child's health.
Therefore
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, they should educate themselves and always read the
ingredients
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 that are written on the back of the packaging,
this
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 way they can reduce the consumption of unhealthy
foods
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. To exemplify, the
Food
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 supermarket conducted a survey to see how many people looked behind the package, it turned out only 12% of the shoppers actually went through the raw products.
To conclude
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, not one person can take the blame. Both the Government and Adults need to work hand in hand and be vigilant of what is put out on the shelves of departmental stores and should prevent youngsters from eating
foods
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 that contain chemicals.

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task achievement
Try to provide more balanced arguments for both views. You can delve deeper into how governments could implement policies to combat child obesity, and also more elaboration on the role of parents.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear logical flow by avoiding abrupt breaks between sentences or ideas. Using connecting phrases can help in smoothly transitioning between points.
coherence cohesion
Check for grammatical accuracy and adjust for minor errors, such as 'young adults would have fewer opportunities to consume them, thus, resulting in normal weight' to 'young adults would have fewer opportunities to consume them, thus resulting in maintaining a normal weight.'
task achievement
The essay effectively presents both sides of the argument and provides a personal opinion, which is crucial for task achievement.
task achievement
Strong examples are used to support the main points, helping to clarify the arguments.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which is important for coherence and cohesion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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