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Band 5.5

STUDENTS SHOULD CHOOSE A UNIVERSITY MAJOR THAT PREPARES THEM FOR HIGH PAYING CAREER. TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE WITH THIS STATEMENT

#students #university #career
Education is the hallmark of achieving a greater
career
 progression,
however
, the youngsters of
this
 present age are exploring courses that are considered to be handsomely remunerated rather than settling for interest and passion. In
this
 essay, I will discuss the reason why
this
 is totally wrong and the negative consequences that may arise with
such
 an opinion. To start with, many of the students are only looking at living a pleasurable life after completing their tertiary education but they fail to take into consideration the mental stress and psychological boredom
that is
 associated with
such
 a demanding profession even though they are highly paid in return. The demand for many hours of standing on a daily basis and the mental tasking as to intervention on a case-to-case activity ends so many of the workforce in depression and many a time frustration which leads to untimely withdrawal to seek another job.
For example
, the statistics on the number of doctors on psycho-active drugs revealed that over 80% of them are forced to study medicine
whereas
 most of them really wanted to read less demanding courses.
Secondly
, the majority of the undergraduates are ignorant of
career
 fulfilment which is almost the goal of every educated folks. Fulfilment of a
career
 has been the most prevalent regret recorded among people aged 55 to
65yrs
Correct your spelling
65 years
 in Central Africa who allowed the pressure of economic demand to lure them to
applied
Change the form of the verb
apply
show examples
 for
civil
Correct article usage
a civil
show examples
 engineering program which was at that juicily remunerated.
To conclude
, enrolling in any course because of the financial gain associated with it at the university level will not only result in mental breakdown and emotional slothfulness but
also
 bring about a lack of
career
 fulfilment.
Submitted by tunjosh2 on

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task achievement
Consider refining your introduction to directly address the topic statement and clarify your position more explicitly.
task achievement
Aim to provide more specific examples or real-life scenarios to support your points further. This adds depth and credibility to your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph flows logically from one to the next and maintains a clear focus. Transition words or phrases can help improve the readability and coherence of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion nicely sums up the essay, but it could be more impactful by briefly reiterating the key points discussed in the body paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
You have presented a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
The essay addresses both the mental and emotional aspects of choosing a major for financial gain, providing a comprehensive view.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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