IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many people these days choose to start their own business. Why do you think they choose to set up their own business? Do you think this is a negative development?

#people #business #development
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Nowadays, plenty of
people
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 prefer having their own businesses. In my opinion,
this
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 is because they want to earn more
money
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 and have
freedom
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, and certainly
this
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 is a positive development.
Firstly
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, the main reason why
people
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 choose to create their own companies is to earn sufficient income for a comfortable life.
In other words
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, having of own
business
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 allows them to get financial stability.
Moreover
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 having
money
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 contributes to gaining confidence in the future.
For instance
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, a person who works in a factory for a fixed wage has a scarcity of their budget, but
consequently
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, he becomes a businessman and eventually gets enough
money
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. As a
resuly
Correct your spelling
result
,
people
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 can improve their financial stability.
Secondly
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, financial
freedom
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 is vital for some
people
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 and
this
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 aspect is the main reason to do own
business
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. Another way of saying, when
people
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 have sufficient
money
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 it literally gives them immense possibilities to adjust their life effortlessly.
For example
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, travelling to interesting places
of
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in
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 the world becomes easier,
also
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 like to purchase anything.
As a result
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freedom
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 obviously can be obtained by
people
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 who work in their own businesses and they possess the opportunity to travel,live, and buy anything.
Finally
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, as I suppose the heaving of own
business
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 is certainly profitable and can help
people
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 to reach financial independence and be freer in their desires, be more flexible and avoid negative moments with chiefs, eventually they will not suddenly dismiss.
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Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
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 the integration of the financial system dipper like a businessman and having abilities to make a
business
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 gives all
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
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 of earning
money
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 easier and better.
To sum up
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,
while
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 some
people
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 carry on to be blue workers, other
people
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 work for themselves and earn a fortune and achieve
freedom
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 in the majority vectors in their
own
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
lives.
Submitted by s_syedy on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the question correctly and includes relevant examples. However, there are areas where clarity and coherence can be improved, such as in the structure of your arguments and the clarity of your sentences.
coherence cohesion
Work on structuring your arguments more logically. For instance, consider separating each point into its own paragraph and provide clear transitions between ideas. This will help in making your essay more cohesive.
coherence cohesion
You have included a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in providing a structured response.
task achievement
Your examples are relevant and help to illustrate your points.
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