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Band 6.5

Many people believe that healthy eating and the importance of healthy food should be taught in schools. Others say that parents should teach their children about healthy food and diet. Discuss both views and give your opinion with relevant examples.

#people #importance #food #schools #parents #children #diet
There is no doubt that
food
 is the foundation of healthy
kids
, both physically and mentally.
However
, some people believe that healthy meals are one of the important subjects that should be added to the curriculum in schools. I would agree with those who argue that
this
subject
 must be the responsibility of their
parents
. Considering
firstly
 the negative effects of healthy
food
 being taught in schools, an important one is that teachers cannot be the ones that
students
 will obey.
This
 is because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 teachers only accompany
students
 during school hours and will not be around them every time;
thus
, any important
subject
 will not be effective if it is not reminded frequently.
For instance
, when
students
 come to school and the teacher tutors them on unhealthy
food
, that will have consequences for them getting sick because of the bacteria involved. Unfortunately, when
students
 come back home, they cannot be monitored by their teacher. The argument goes that if
students
 are taught by their father or mother,
then
 they cannot get the information in detail.
However
, I believe teaching children about healthy
food
 by their
parents
 is the only way to become motivated and useful. The reason for
this
 is that
parents
 spend more time with their children than anyone else, so they indirectly become the role models of
kids
.
Furthermore
, any
subject
 that tends to be learned will be effective once their father gives an example and their mother gives the tutor.
As a result
,
kids
 will easily follow the instructions rather than only the speeches given by teachers. In conclusion,
although
 it is of critical importance that healthy
food
 be taught in schools as a major
subject
, I feel that it should be the
parents
' responsibility, so the
kids
 will be more motivated.
Submitted by writingbersama on

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task achievement
You have addressed the topic well and provided a clear opinion, discussing both views as asked in the task prompt. However, more specific examples could have been included to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure and flows well, but there are a few points where transitions between ideas could be smoother. Try to use more cohesive devices to link your ideas seamlessly.
coherence cohesion
Some of your main points need further elaboration and support. Providing more detailed explanations and examples will help make your arguments stronger and clearer.
task achievement
You have a clear introduction that sets the context and states your opinion.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your viewpoint and reinforces your main argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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