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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

At the present time the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

To begin
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 with, one of the most prevalent trends in the contemporary world is the cumulative increase in the youth population,
While
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 many
people
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 argue that fewer older
people
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 are beneficial, others believe that more youths contribute to society.
This
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 stance will be proven by carefully analysing how adults benefit the nation.
Firstly
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, the main reason is that young folks can work long hours, so they can produce more goods and they have more technical knowledge and utilise their skills for manufacturing modern equipment. Another factor is that
due to
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 the good health of the young generation, they can work long hours and perform well as compared to elder
people
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.
For example
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, in India, about 40% population is under 30 years which is why India is a big market for software engineers and qualified doctors.
As a result
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, it is a fact that adults can migrate easily from one country to another on the basis of their skills, for elders it becomes very hard to migrate to different places
due to
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 their personal and family commitments.
Secondly
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,
due to
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 the increase in new developments, youngsters are becoming more intelligent as compared to ancient times. They invented new gadgets for humans and made their lives easy.
In addition
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, there are no extra expenses for young
people
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such
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 as health treatment
due to
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 their young ages. So the Authorities using that money on other projects.
As a consequence
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, it is evident why China is progressing every day exporting goods all over the world and becoming the world’s second-largest economy. In conclusion, it is undeniable senior citizens are the nation’s asset because they provide important advice to their families
as well as
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 society with their practical life experiences. Following the analysis of both sides
it is clear that
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 adults are always the backbone of their states because they boost the country’s economy.
Further
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, it is predicted that new inventions are going to continue in the future as well to make a better world.

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task achievement
You have addressed the main points of the topic, but some areas lack depth and specific examples. Aim to provide more detailed examples to reinforce your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction and conclusion. However, the logical flow between some points can be improved. Work on making smoother transitions between ideas.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is understandable and covers the main points, some parts are slightly repetitive. Try to vary your sentence structures and avoid redundancy.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clearly distinguished, providing a good overall structure to the essay.
task achievement
You have made a good effort to cover both the advantages and disadvantages of the topic, which shows a balanced approach.
task achievement
The essay discusses some relevant examples which help to support your points.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
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