IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

There should only be one government in the world rather than a national government for each country. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

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One
Use synonyms
government
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 is better than multi-governments to rule the
world
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.
Although
Linking Words
 by putting
one
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government
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 in charge, conflicts between nations will decrease, by dedicating
one
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 leader to each country, managers can concentrate more on their people.
Therefore
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, the drawbacks outweigh the benefits. On the
one
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 hand, Ruling the
world
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 by just
one
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government
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 lowers the fights between
countries
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, because if
one
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 management was in charge of running all nations, the rules that all of them should obey would be the same.
Thus
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, tensions would drop and all
countries
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 would try to make a better
world
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instead
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 of putting their minds on rivalry.
For example
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, in the past when some nations that are now separated were ruled by
one
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government
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, difficulties and problems were less.
On the other hand
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, if each country has a separate national
government
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, unique problems for each nation can be more focused on.
That is
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 to say that, people in charge of managing that specific nation can dedicate all their attention to the well-being of their country
instead
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 of worrying about other
countries
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' situations.
For instance
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,
countries
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 like Germany and Spain have improved a lot in recent years
due to
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 having just
one
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 leader
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 has dedicated all his attention to
make
Change the verb form
making
show examples
 situations better. In conclusion,
while
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 the
countries
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 ruled by
one
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government
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 would fight less over some particular problems and they all would be seen as a team, in a multi-
government
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world
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, each nation would be
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the centre of the attention of its leader. In
this
Linking Words
 way disadvantages outweigh advantages.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly presents the topic and your stance. However, try to make your thesis statement more precise. Instead of simply stating that the drawbacks outweigh the benefits, briefly mention the specific reasons why.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is generally clear, but there are a few areas where the flow could be improved. Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. You might use transitional phrases like 'Moreover' or 'Additionally' to enhance coherence.
task achievement
While your examples are relevant, they could be more specific and detailed to better support your main points. Try to include concrete evidence or data where possible.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which is great. Ensure that your conclusion succinctly encapsulates the key points discussed in the essay.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are supportive of your thesis, but try to elaborate a bit more. For example, expand on how having individual leaders has specifically benefited Germany and Spain in various sectors.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced perspective. This is an important aspect of a high-scoring essay.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are presented well. Especially, the conclusion effectively summarizes the essay's main points.
task achievement
You have provided relevant examples to support your argument. This is essential for task achievement.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • centralized decision-making
  • global challenges
  • territorial disputes
  • economies of scale
  • policy implementation
  • cultural homogenization
  • national sovereignty
  • internal conflicts
  • authoritarianism
  • individual freedoms
  • global governance
  • unification
  • efficiency
  • resource allocation
  • social systems
  • governing body
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