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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

These days people spend more and more time at work and less time at home. What are advantages and disadvantages of this?

#people #time #work #home
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In recent times, people spend the majority of their
time
 at the workplace
instead
 of spending quality
time
 with their loved ones at home. There are several merits and demerits to
this
 phenomenon which will be discussed in the following passages. In
this
 modern era, competition is stiff and everyone is trying their level best to prove their worth within their organization. As the workforce is unstable, everyone tries to hang on to their
work
 as much as possible. Management takes advantage of
this
 attitude and puts immense pressure on their employees in order to complete the task in an unrealistic timeline.
Additionally
, to satisfy their bosses adults put heart and soul and spend more
time
 in the office doing extra
work
.
However
,
this
 culture fuels them to
work
 harder, earn more money ,and climb up the career ladder at a faster pace.
For example
, a recent survey conducted by
Work
-culture magazine revealed that 79% of workers overcompensate by working late hours to gain more bonuses and visibility in their office. Having said that, family plays a crucial part in everyone's life. Parents, Partners and kids are integral
part
Fix the agreement mistake
parts
show examples
 of one's existence. Spending a reasonable amount of
time
 with them over a cup of tea helps to strengthen the relationship. Failing to give importance to kith and kin can lead to break-ups which might affect one's mental stability. Loneliness can cause people to feel empty, alone, and unwanted. To exemplify, a study performed by the Mental Wellness Centre reported that people who had no positive relation with their families tended to perform poorly in their
work
.
Overall
, I believe that a person needs to have a healthy balance between
work
 and private life. Both aspects are vital for one's survival.
While
 earning a large salary is important, having a family to share it with is equally essential.
Submitted by u.umayal92 on

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task response
You have a clear response to the task and your ideas are mostly comprehensive. However, try to provide a bit more depth and development to each point. For instance, give more specific examples or detailed arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is logically structured and flows well from one point to the next. However, try to use more varied linking words to enhance the coherence further. For example, words like 'moreover', 'furthermore', 'consequently', etc., can help.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay, giving a clear overview and summary of your arguments.
task response
You provide relevant examples to support your points, which strengthens your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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