IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

As well as making money, businesses also have a responsibility towards society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#money #businesses #responsibility #society
Some people believe that employment is not only about how to make money, it should have an
impact
 on the community. I disagree with
this
 statement because the main objective of the business is to create profit as much as possible and
businesses
 cannot be burdened by society’s
responsibility
 because it is the
responsibility
 of the state. The success parameter of any business is related to how much profit can be achieved. Not all
businesses
 can have a positive
impact
 on the social community and it is the
responsibility
 of the
government
 to have a positive
impact
 on the public through the regulations they make.
For example
, in Indonesia, the cigarette trade has a more negative
impact
 on society but their stock value is always higher compared to other
businesses
. Every employment activity already pays tax to the authorities, and it is the obligation of the
government
 to allocate the tax to the programs that have a social
impact
 on the people because the
government
 has a duty to improve the welfare of their people.
For instance
, Indonesia has a minister called the Ministry of Social Affairs who has the duty to distribute
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
funds from the state to help the community to increase their standard of living. In conclusion, I believe that
businesses
 should not required to have a
responsibility
 towards society because the main purpose of
businesses
 is to create profit as much as possible in order to make their
businesses
 run well and it is the main
responsibility
 of the
government
 to take
this
 kind of
responsibility
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task response
Your response addresses the topic and you have provided a clear stance. However, ensure that your arguments throughout the essay directly link back to the essay question—'the responsibility towards society'.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure, yet there are slight inconsistencies and repetition. Make sure each paragraph has a distinct point that builds on the previous one without restating ideas.
task response
Ensure that each main point is supported with relevant examples. The examples given, especially concerning Indonesia, should more clearly demonstrate how they support the argument against societal responsibilities for businesses.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes both an introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame your argument.
task achievement
Main points are clearly stated and you have exemplified them with relevant views and some specific examples.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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