IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

(QG) Some people think watching TV is bad for children, while others think that watching TV has more beneficial effects on children. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#qg #people #tv #children #effects
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Many people are of the opinion that watching
TV
 can have negative effects on
children
,
whereas
, others say it may be good for their childhood.
This
 essay will discuss both views and give the writer's opinion. It should be
acknowleged
Correct your spelling
acknowledged
 that televisions have useful information for
children
. These pieces of information are from specific
programs
 on
TV
 that convey a wide range
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 science to society behaviours to audiences.
Moreover
,
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 early age,
children
 are open-minded and enthusiastic
to
Change preposition
about
show examples
 the open world.
As a result
,
TV
 can be
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 initial step for
children
 to gain new knowledge that stay in their
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 for a long time since they grow up.
By
Change preposition
According to
show examples
 VNExpress,
children
 in kindergartens now have a fixed time to watch
TV
programs
 about science and some basic skills to enhance their knowledge about their world.
However
,
this
 activity can
also
 affect
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children
's lifestyle. When they stay at home and enjoy
programs
 on
TV
,
children
 can
be
Verb problem
become
show examples
 addicted to them and ignore outdoor activities or communication with relatives and friends.
This
 leads to an inactive lifestyle among them,
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of social interaction and health problems
such
 as obesity and
eyes
Change the noun form
eye
show examples
 strains.
For example
, in 2015, Vietnam saw
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 increase number of
children
 who
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
suffer from myopia diseases
that
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 the proportion of them is around 70%. The writer
contend
Change the verb form
contends
show examples
 that watching
TV
 is a
benefical
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 activity
due to
 its advantages. By watching these useful
programs
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
their
Change the word
an
show examples
 early age with a limited time, the kids can develop their brains and
initially
Add a missing verb
are initially
show examples
 ready
for studying
Change preposition
to study
show examples
 effectively.
To sum up
, watching
TV
 has both advantages and disadvantages for kids.
Athough
Correct your spelling
Although
 its drawbacks are harmful,
this
 activity should be considered to apply widely to kindergartens to help
children
 obtain simple knowledge.

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task achievement
Make sure to elaborate on points more thoroughly to strengthen your argument. For instance, providing more specific examples or data can bolster your point about the advantages of children watching TV.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure and flows well, but some transitions between ideas could be smoother. Using more transition words or phrases can enhance coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly sets up the essay and states the intention to discuss both views and give your opinion. This is well done.
coherence cohesion
The essay uses clear topic sentences to introduce each paragraph, which helps guide the reader through your points effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and restates your opinion, which gives the essay a cohesive end.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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