IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

For many people, the reason they work hard is to earn more money. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#people #reason #work #money
It has been argued that
people
work
 hard for no other reason than
money
. Despite the fact that
money
 plays a crucial role in their motivation, the writer of
this
 essay agrees with
this
 statement for some reasons. One of the reasons why many
people
 cite
money
 as the predominant factor behind working hard is
due to
 the financial necessities. It is true to say that every person needs to meet their basic necessities
such
 as buying clothes and food, paying for education and medication or serving hobbies.
However
, by facing inflation which is more and more prevalent in most countries causing the rise of the price of goods and services,
people
 have to
work
 hard to earn more
money
 to pay for their demands. Because of
this
 reason, I believe that it is normal when
money
 becomes a priority in working. Another thing to consider is the expectations of society which means
people
's success comes from financial achievement.
This
 can be explained that in many cultures, if someone has an enormous source of income, they will receive social recognition in order to have special treatment from communities and
also
 the living standard.
Thus
, earning
money
 is considered an important factor regarding to individual's social status. Earning
money
 means that the more
money
 you can earn the more rewards society may receive, and
this
 leads to
people
's motivation to
work
 hard. In conclusion, it cannot be deniable that
money
 is one of the main elements which causes hard
work
 of
people
,
whether
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
to respond
citizens'
Change preposition
to citizens'
show examples
 basic necessities and the expectations of society. Because of
this
 reason, I strongly agree that
money
 makes
people
work
 hard.

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task achievement
Your essay could benefit from more specific examples or statistics to support your points. Including concrete examples would make your arguments stronger and more convincing.
task achievement
While your main points are clear and well-discussed, there is a slight repetition of ideas. Try to diversify your points or expand on different aspects of why people are motivated by money.
cohesion coherence
Ensure a more varied use of language to avoid repetition, particularly in phrases such as 'working hard' and 'money.' This can make your essay more engaging.
cohesion coherence
Your essay has a good logical flow, but consider the use of more complex linking words to improve the cohesion between sentences and paragraphs.
cohesion coherence
Overall, the structure of your essay is solid. However, reflecting on counterarguments briefly before rebutting them could add depth to your discussion.
introduction conclusion
Your essay has a clear and concise introduction and conclusion, which encapsulates your main argument effectively.
logical structure
The logical structure of your essay makes it easy to follow your line of reasoning. Each paragraph is focused, which contributes to the clarity of your argument.
supported main points
The main points are well-supported with explanations and reasoning. You've done well to justify why money is a significant motivator.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial stability
  • necessities
  • monetary rewards
  • quality of life
  • luxury items
  • dependents
  • responsibility
  • pursue
  • personal interests
  • cultural pressures
  • wealth accumulation
  • fulfillment
  • visible measure
  • correlate
  • secure future
  • comfortable lifestyle
  • entertainment
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