IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

The average health of people's health is expected to be low in future as compared to now.To what extent do you agree or disagree

#health #people #future
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With the increasing work-related stress, it is predicted that the individual's level of fitness will decline in the coming days.I fully agree with
this
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 statement that the health condition will deteriorate in future owing to a sedentary lifestyle and a busy work routine. On the one hand, technology is making life easier for us, but at the same time, it is making people adopt a number of unhealthy habits.
Firstly
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, the populace is dependent more on private vehicles for commuting with no physical activity involved.
Moreover
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, there is a trend for citizens to watch a lot of television and use smartphones with less time for outdoor games.
In addition
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, consuming a lot of junk food contributes to weight gain owing to excess calories.
However
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, all these factors promote the development of obesity which ultimately leads to a number of diseases including diabetes, hypertension and hyperlipidemia.To illustrate, statistics from the US show that sixty per cent of the adult population is overweight and half of them have diabetes mellitus
due to
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 poor dietary management. Another important factor that might affect people's health is job-related pressure.Many folks are working extra hours to earn money for their families which puts a lot of stress on them.They find less time to relax and play with their kids which is a major reason for depression and anxiety.
For instance
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, my cousin, who is doing two jobs in a day has started using antidepressant medications because of enormous mental fatigue. In conclusion, the standard of well-being of the masses is expected to decrease
due to
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 extra duty hours and unhealthy eating with less physical exercise.
Submitted by alishah2294 on

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introduction conclusion present
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion which is a good approach. However, consider restating the thesis statement or providing a summary in the conclusion for added coherence.
relevant specific examples
Try to include specific data or studies to support your argument further. For example, mention research or reports that show the link between sedentary lifestyles and health deterioration.
logical structure
While your points are valid and well-explained, ensure every paragraph has a clear topic sentence and all sentences within the paragraph support this topic sentence.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction clearly states your position on the topic, making it easy for the reader to understand your perspective.
logical structure
The essay is well-structured with paragraphs that develop main points logically.
supported main points
You have used relevant examples to support your arguments, which makes your essay stronger and more convincing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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