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Band 5

It is impossible to help all people around the world in need so governments should focus on people from their own country. To what extent do you agree or disagree? (Write 250 words.)

#people #world #governments #focus #country
Since the world has become globalization,
counties
Correct your spelling
countries
show examples
 are able to connect to each other without
boundary
Fix the agreement mistake
boundaries
show examples
 and a lot
of easier
Wrong verb form
easily
show examples
. Meanwhile, the challenges of living
has
Change the verb form
have
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 been arising immensely throughout the world.
This
 has
come
Verb problem
led
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 to a debate
that
Change preposition
about
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 whether
public
Correct article usage
the public
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 sector of each nation should provide
supports
Fix the agreement mistake
support
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 for foreign
counties
Correct your spelling
countries
show examples
 when in
needs
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need
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 or should
emphasis
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emphasise
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
its own country.
However
, in my opinion,
it is clear that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should prioritise their
people
 before
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others
as
Correct word choice
so as
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 to utilise the best use of
country’s
Correct article usage
the country’s
show examples
 taxation for
country’s
Correct article usage
the country’s
show examples
 impacts and to ensure that problems arising within the country will be solved effectively.
Firstly
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 runs any projects and responsibilities
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
citizen’s
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens’
show examples
 money which always comes in
form
Correct article usage
the form
show examples
 of taxation.
Therefore
, they should put
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
show examples
 of their citizens as
priority
Add an article
a priority
show examples
 to make
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
effective use of taxation for their
people
 whether
apply
Wrong verb form
applied
show examples
 in education, healthcare, and transportation
for example
. By employing
this
 model in every country, all
people
, wherever they live, can ensure their life stability and security without begging for
helps
Change the wording
help
bits of help
show examples
 from
neigbour
Correct your spelling
neighbour
 countries or other parts of the world.
However
, if
helps are
Correct subject-verb agreement
help is
show examples
 dramatically necessary, the
government
 should manage
plan
Correct article usage
the plan
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 cautiously to ensure all the money
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 well-used.
Secondly
, solving problems by
nation’s
Correct article usage
a nation’s
show examples
people
 tends to bring the best results in
timely
Correct article usage
a timely
show examples
manners
Fix the agreement mistake
manner
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.
This
 is obviously because different countries
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
each
Change the word
their
show examples
 own context and character. So that local
people
 seem to have
clear
Add an article
a clear
show examples
 understanding of what is
effective
Add an article
an effective
show examples
 way to manage the issues and,
then
, can develop solutions to tackle the problems quickly.
For example
,
Tsunami
Correct article usage
the Tsunami
show examples
 crisis in Thailand caused
people
 to lose their
home
Fix the agreement mistake
homes
show examples
 and careers. At that time, most of
Correct article usage
the helps
show examples
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
show examples
 from international
supports
Fix the agreement mistake
support
show examples
 were food and things for bringing back a convenient living.
However
, after
emphathising
Correct your spelling
emphasising
 local
people
, they indicated that long tail boad is the most
desire
Replace the word
desirable
show examples
 wish of them as it would allow them to fish for a living again.
Therefore
, I believe that if
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 keeps focusing on their nations it will bring the betterment to city sustainably. In sum,
although
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
show examples
 is
such
 a good thing in society,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should
primary
Change the word
primarily
show examples
 focus on their nation to guarantee that all the needs of its
people
 are well-met. If citizens are equipped with
standard
Add an article
the standard
a standard
show examples
 of living, expanding opportunities to outside
nation
Fix the agreement mistake
nations
show examples
 would not
have
Verb problem
be
show examples
 a question.
Submitted by kanchanakularathna1991 on

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coherence cohesion
Consider smoothing out some of the transitions between ideas to enhance the logical flow of your essay. For example, make sure each paragraph clearly follows from the preceding one with appropriate linking phrases.
task achievement
Work on clarifying and simplifying your sentences to avoid any potential ambiguity. This will help ensure that your ideas are communicated clearly and effectively.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples that directly relate to your main arguments. Adding such details can help strengthen the persuasiveness of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Be mindful of grammatical accuracy. While minor errors won't drastically lower your score, consistent issues with grammar can detract from the overall quality of your writing.
coherence cohesion
You have a well-structured essay with a clear introduction and conclusion, which makes it easier to follow your argument.
task achievement
Your main points are well-stated and you provide relevant examples to support your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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