IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

It is impossible to help all people around the world in need so governments should focus on people from their own country. To what extent do you agree or disagree? (Write 250 words.)

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In the present day, we will be global citizens and everyone will relocate and connect
though
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through
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 social media, free trade without tax, and government cooperation.
This
Linking Words
 topic asks the government to focus on their population. In my opinion, I absolutely agree with
this
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 comment and describe the reasons for supporting
this
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 idea. The official administration should be concerned about the residents’ security because there are worldwide
scammers
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 who try to escape the law and fraud innocent
people
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.
For example
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, I met the
scammers
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 who called me by phone and invited me to attend their business but I rejected them because I knew they were the
scammers
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. Later, they spoke impolitely to me and hung up the phone.
Moreover
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, I met the clipboard
scammers
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 who might be refugees from another country when I
traveled
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travelled
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 to Paris, France on Christmas week
in
Change preposition
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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last
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 year. They asked for a donation for the Louve museum but my sister and I told Louve’s staff. He informed us that the Louve didn’t have the donation and took us to the entrance.
Therefore
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, I learned from my experience that the administration should protect their citizen’s security by using their law.
In addition
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, the high inflation rate is a major economic issue around the world which the household charges increase.
For instance
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, the apartment rental which is located outside my university was below 5000 Baht but the price ups to 10000 Baht in the present day.
As a result
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,
people
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 handle the high utility payments but their income is still the same rate. If they handle it for a long time, they will get the mental health problem. So, the official organization should be aware of these problems by reducing taxes, house costs, and increasing income rates. In conclusion, I totally agree that governments should focus on their
people
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 because security and economic crises are the most important issues that become the main problems in many countries. If they are aware of
this
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 problem,
people
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 will have a better quality of life.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the coherence between paragraphs by using clearer transitions and signals. This will help the ideas flow more smoothly from one to the next.
Coherence and Cohesion
Clarify the introduction by presenting the background information succinctly and stating your position more clearly. This will make your viewpoint easier to understand from the start.
Task Achievement
Try to develop each main point in more depth with additional supporting details. For instance, expand on how government policies directly affect the citizens' quality of life.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure each paragraph is structured effectively with a clear topic sentence followed by supporting sentences and examples. This will make your arguments more compelling.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay presents a strong introduction and conclusion, reinforcing the writer's viewpoint effectively.
Task Achievement
Good use of personal examples to support points, which adds authenticity and clarity to the argument.
Task Achievement
The essay addresses both the security and economic concerns effectively, covering multiple aspects of the issue as asked in the task.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • limited resources
  • moral obligation
  • global stability
  • economic impact
  • domestic issues
  • international aid
  • diplomatic relationships
  • resource allocation
  • healthcare
  • education
  • infrastructure
  • national priorities
  • desperate need
  • indirect benefit
  • goodwill
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