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Band 6.5

In this technological era, personal information is stored on computers by many companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#era #information #computers #companies #organisations #outweigh
Undeniable that most personal
information
 of the people in
this
 era is stored on computer services occupied by many companies and organizations.
Although
 there are various advantages to keeping the
information
 online,
for example
, convenient and easy access, there are
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of drawbacks. There are 2 main reasons not to store personal
information
 in those smart devices. First of all, digital
data
 can be easier to hack than analogue one, especially important and private info
such
 as credit card numbers and security codes. The hackers can steal your
data
 from anywhere in the world if they wish to, which increases the chances of personal
data
 being hacked.
On the contrary
, storing
data
 in a conventional way has less chance of
data
 loss. Even if it does lose, it has fewer chance of spreading
data
 far away, whilst keeping those on a computer can spread
information
 all over the internet in a second.
Secondly
, saving all personal
data
 in electric devices can make you forget your own
information
 which can play a significant role when you’re in dangerous circumstances. To illustrate, you get lost in the middle of nowhere without your telephone and you can’t remember any important telephone can cause you trouble. In conclusion, personal
information
 should not be kept on the computer because it is easier to hack and it can make you forget your own important
information
. In my point of view, it is better if we use the benefit of computers to keep our insignificant
information
 and keep our important ones analogous.
Submitted by thirdd.natcha on

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content
Your essay addresses the topic but lacks clear and explicit examples from personal knowledge or experience. Including specific instances or anecdotes will strengthen your arguments.
accuracy
Ensure consistency in terminology; for example, use either 'online' or 'digital' uniformly instead of mixing varying terms.
style
Work on sentence variety to avoid repetition and enhance readability. Try incorporating more complex sentence structures.
grammar
Proofread your essay carefully to correct minor grammatical mistakes and improve clarity.
structure
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and encapsulate the main points of the essay effectively.
content
You raised valid points regarding the potential risks and disadvantages of storing personal information on computers.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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