IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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The average
weight
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 of
people
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 and
obesity
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 rate are increasing ,
on the other hand
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, the level of
sport
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 and training activities with the quality of healthy life is decreasing.
This
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 essay will examine the main causes of increasing
weight
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 and possible solutions to
this
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 issue. The high price of training centre courses and the busy lifestyle leads to
weight
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 gain and
obesity
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.
Moreover
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, to join a training class with a special trainer needs a monthly budget as the price changes
due to
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 the qualifications and experience of the trainer ,
in addition
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, the cost of the equipment and facility used in the centre leads to fewer
people
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 joining the training program.
Furthermore
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, the full busy schedule with no free
time
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 to walk or do simple exercise leads to
weight
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 gain and
health
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 problems. Nowadays ,
people
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 work in multiple jobs for more than 10 hours to fulfil their needs which leads them to start eating fast food with less
time
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 to do activities or sports. Promoting
awareness
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 in the community about the
health
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 complication that comes with
obesity
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 and less activity
also
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the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
online free
sport
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 training courses could solve
this
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 problem.
Firstly
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 , the
awareness
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campagn
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campaign
 that targets children and adults focuses on eating habits and the importance of daily training in population
health
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.
For example
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 , Saudi Arabia considers January as the
awareness
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 month for educating
people
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 in schools,malls , and hospitals about
weight
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 control.
Secondly
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, learning
sport
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 through online sites reduces the
time
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 and the cost of the training centre.
For instance
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, on Youtube, multiple videos about healthy diets and different coaches with a variety of exercises viewers can watch anytime which helps if they have a busy schedule and for free. In conclusion, the
health
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 problems come with
obesity
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 and a decrease in fitness activity increasing by
time
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 ,because of less free
time
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 to do
sport
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 and the high cost of fitness centres, which is considered a serious complication that could be solved by raising
awareness
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 in different age groups about it and the online free
health
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 training courses.

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coherence and cohesion
Consider restructuring some sentences for better flow and clarity. For example, addressing the high prices clearly in one sentence can strengthen coherence.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure consistent use of terms and phrases to avoid confusion. For instance, the terms 'training centre' and 'fitness centre' can be clarified and standardized throughout the essay.
task achievement
Expand on the solutions proposed with more specific examples or case studies to enhance the persuasiveness of your arguments.
task achievement
Try to elaborate more on the health complications caused by obesity in the first part of your essay to provide a more comprehensive view.
task achievement
The essay presents coherent arguments regarding the causes of obesity and the lack of fitness.
task achievement
The inclusion of examples, such as the awareness month in Saudi Arabia, enhances the relevancy of your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • physical activity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • exercise
  • unhealthy diet
  • fast food
  • urbanization
  • modernization
  • stress
  • awareness
  • education
  • government intervention
  • policies
  • promotion
  • sports
  • fitness programs
  • health education
  • taxation
  • public transportation
  • infrastructure
  • parks
  • recreational spaces
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