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Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

people are damaging their health by buying junk food, some people believe education cannot be effective,some other think education can help, discuss both view and give your own opinion?

#people #health #junk #food #education
The issue of consuming unhealthy junk
food
 is becoming increasingly common.
While
 some
people
 believe that educating individuals on the negative impacts of junk
food
 may help them change their eating habits, others believe education is not effective.
However
, I believe education can be an effective way to tackle problems related to consuming unhealthy
food
. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both views and give my opinion. First and foremost, those who are in favour of educating
people
 about what they eat, often argue that if left uneducated individuals may never know the health risks of unhealthy foods and may never stop.
For instance
, mega corporations spend millions on advertising for their cheap foods and make them look extremely appetising and healthy.
In contrast
, there is no money being spent on educating
people
 about the risks of consuming those foods.
Hence
, it is crucial to tell
people
 about the negative impacts that cheap and easy-to-get meals can have on their health.
On the other hand
, those that are against educating
people
 on junk
food
 contend that it is a lifestyle choice
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and that eating unhealthy is up to the individuals.
For example
, if someone is already consuming bad
food
 on a daily basis, no amount of educating them on the consequences will help wean them off of that lifestyle because they have already made the choice to stay unhealthy.
Therefore
, unless they make a personal choice to not consume
food
that is
 deteriorating their well-being, no one else can help them. In my opinion, it is crucial to let
people
 know the difference between a good and a bad diet and
then
 let
people
 decide which one they want to choose. Left alone, it can become a health pandemic which could have been avoided.
Submitted by James on

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task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses both views on the topic of junk food consumption and the role of education. However, you could further enhance your argument by providing more specific examples or data to support your points.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is mostly coherent and logically structured, a better transition between the two opposing views could improve the flow of your argument. Additionally, aim to develop each point with more detailed supporting evidence.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly defined and provide a coherent framework for the essay, demonstrating a good understanding of essay structure.
task achievement
Your main points are clear and you effectively discuss both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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