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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some people think that the main purpose of schools is to turn children into good citizens and workers, rather to benefit them as individual. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #purpose #schools #children #citizens #workers #benefit
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It is often said that
schools
 primarily aim to
mold
Change the spelling
mould
show examples
 children into productive members of society and the workforce rather than focusing on their individual development and well-being. From my point of view, I partly agree with
this
 view.
To begin
 with,
schools
 are where
students
 spend a significant portion of their formative years developing their personalities and social awareness. Lessons need to
instill
Change the spelling
instil
show examples
 discipline, helping
students
 differentiate between right and wrong. The primary priority of
schools
 is to equip
students
 with knowledge, skills and qualities to succeed in their careers and society as a whole.
Also
, highlight the significance of
schools
 in nurturing critical thinking, creativity and problem-solving abilities, which are essential for both personal
fulfillment
Change the spelling
fulfilment
show examples
 and success in various fields.
However
, there is no need for, and it is not advisable to, separate the responsibility of civic education from optimizing towards each individual. Focusing on needs and personalizing the curriculum helps
students
 explore and nurture their potential.
Consequently
,
students
 can leverage
strengthens
Replace the word
strengths
show examples
 and improve
weakness
Fix the agreement mistake
weaknesses
show examples
.
Schools
 should
also
 support
students
 in developing creativity and freedom within reasonable limits. In conclusion, the priority of school can
helps
Change the verb form
help
show examples
 construct a functioning and harmonious society where
anything
Correct pronoun usage
nothing
show examples
 else is built upon.
Hence
, the school should be turning children into good citizens and workers.
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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea that connects seamlessly to the next. Currently, some transitions are abrupt or unclear, which affects the overall flow of the essay.
task achievement
For better task achievement, try to provide more specific examples and detailed explanations to support your points. This could include real-world examples or hypothetical scenarios to illustrate your arguments more vividly.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction clearly states your stance on the issue, which is important for task achievement.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and restates your opinion, which provides a satisfying closure to your essay.
complete response
You have addressed both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced approach to the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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