IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Scientist agree that many people eat too much junk food and it is damanging their health. Some people think that this problem can be solved by education people while others believe that this education will not work. Discuss buth view and give your opinion.

#scientist #people #junk #food #health #education #work #buth
Researches
Correct your spelling
Researchers
show examples
 have different views about
Correct article usage
the
show examples
prevention of consuming processed
food
.
While
 some
people
beleive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that it can be controlled through education, in my opinion,
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 setbacks can be
curb
Wrong verb form
curbed
show examples
 by
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 increasing the prices of fast
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
. On the one hand, educating
people
 on the need not to consume canned
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
 can be beneficial.
This
 is because some
people
 are not aware of the detrimental effect
those meal
Change the determiner
that meal
those meals
show examples
 could have on their health. Professors can use animations
such
 as how
junk
food
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
damage
Fix the agreement mistake
damages
show examples
 individual
heart
Fix the agreement mistake
hearts
show examples
, or
liver
Fix the agreement mistake
livers
show examples
 just to create awareness for
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 folk.
For instance
, the vast
majoriy
Correct your spelling
majority
 of Ghanaians used to consume
junk
food
 because they did not know the harmful
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 it,
however
 after the Ministry of Education impacted knowledge on
this
 folk, they realised the effect of it
as a result
, the
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
take of
this
 meal has dwindled.
This
 has helped reduce the risk of some
people
 having conditions
such
 as hypertension and even becoming obese. On the other
had
Correct your spelling
hand
show examples
, authorities can mitigate
this
 problem by increasing the price of
those meal
Change the determiner
that meal
those meals
show examples
.
Alot
Correct your spelling
A lot
 of
people
 always have
a different opinions
Correct the article-noun agreement
different opinions
a different opinion
show examples
 when purchasing goods that are expensive. They mostly desist from buying
such
 goods. The same thing applies to
junk
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
.
People
 will not have the interest of buying them because of the price.
For example
, Kenja was among the highest countries where
it
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 members love consuming canned
food
as a result
, the vast majority of them were having diseases
such
 as hypertension,
Correct word choice
and myocardia
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myocardia
Replace the word
myocardial
show examples
 infarction. After the
governement
Correct your spelling
government
 raised the amount, the intake of fast
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
has
Verb problem
was
show examples
 reduced and
this
 has
subsequenty
Correct your spelling
subsequently
prevent
Wrong verb form
prevented
show examples
 most
caompanies
Correct your spelling
companies
from importing fast
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
 from
another
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
countrise
Correct your spelling
country
countries
. If the state had not elevated the amount,
people
 would
been
Change the verb form
be
show examples
 still buying them. It is in view of
this
 that
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 opine that, aside
education
Change preposition
from education
show examples
, consuming processed
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
 can
be curb
Change the verb form
be curbed
show examples
 effectively by authorities increasing the price. In conclusion,
although
 impacting knowledge on humankind can help reduce the intake of
junk
food
,
however
,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
beleive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that authorities can mitigate
this
 effectively by raising the amount of those fast
food
.
Submitted by boadimaxwell48 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay could benefit from a more defined structure, especially ensuring that each paragraph has a clear main idea that is expanded upon with relevant details.
task achievement
Several grammatical errors and awkward phrasings should be corrected to enhance readability and clear communication of ideas.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion could be more compelling, summarizing the main points more effectively and guiding the reader through the essay.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant examples to support the arguments on both sides of the debate.
task achievement
The writer shows an understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view by discussing both viewpoints before stating their opinion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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