IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

It is common that in many companies people from different ages work together in a same team. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantges?

#companies #people #ages #work #team #disadvantges
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It is thought
by
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apply
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some people that organisations should allow individuals of different ages to
work
 together to bring the utmost benefits
while
 others believe it is better to separate them. In
this
 essay, both advantages and disadvantages will be outlined before reaching my conclusion. On the
one
 hand, there are several positive effects, and
one
 of the significant favours is the productivity of
work
. To explain
this
 in greater detail, both younger and older generations can discuss and combine their knowledge together.
Furthermore
, problems can be easily dealt with
due to
 the elderly experience and the technology buff of young adults.
For example
, my colleague and I have to
work
 with my 58-year-old boss on the same project. When we face obstacles, my friend and I can go and ask him for useful advice.
However
, when it comes to software and programmes, he always comes to us.
Therefore
, our task runs smoothly without any issues.
On the other hand
, working together
also
 gives a number of downsides to workers, and the most crucial
one
 is conflict. To elaborate
further
, the generation gap is something that happens these days and
thus
 senior's and junior's perspectives are always different.
Moreover
, the older people lean towards old-fashioned methods
while
 the new generation tends to try new things
such
 as technology to solve problems.
For example
,
one
 of my acquaintances works at a construction site and he needs to collaborate with a retired engineer in order to tackle a problem. My friend proposes an idea that includes the data from a new software
programme
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program
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, turns out the senior engineer does not listen to him and resists using an old method that he once did in the past, leading to conflict in a meeting room.
Overall
, it is a fact that many companies around the world hire citizens
from
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of
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 different ages to
work
 together in their offices. In my opinion, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages because we can gain a lot of knowledge from elderly people and learn a lot of knowledge from them, making us
to
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apply
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become more productive.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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task response
The essay provides a relevant introduction and conclusion, and the main points are generally clear. However, there is room for improvement in how ideas are clearly communicated. Try to ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea and that ideas and examples are expanded upon more thoroughly.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure, but some transitions between ideas could be smoother. Ensure each paragraph transitions naturally to the next. Additionally, work on summarizing the main points more effectively in your conclusion to reinforce your argument.
task response
Your essay successfully includes real-life examples, which help to illustrate your points and make the argument more compelling.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are effectively written, providing a clear start and end to your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Diverse perspectives
  • Innovation
  • Mentorship
  • Professional growth
  • Institutional knowledge
  • Work environment
  • Energy
  • Willingness to take risks
  • Work dynamics
  • Age-related stereotypes
  • Resistance to change
  • Technological advancements
  • Productivity
  • Efficiency
  • Work-life balance
  • Career progression
  • Job security
  • Stable routine
What to do next:
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