IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that having a conversation on a mobile phone in a public or crowded place should be banned. Others feel that we should be able to talk wherever we like. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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In
this
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 contemporary era, several people argue that having a chat on a cell phone in a public or busy place should be prohibited.
However
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, other individuals ponder that we should be allowed to communicate with others ,wherever we need.
Nonetheless
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, in the forthcoming paragraphs ,I shall examine
this
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 matter from every angle and obviously, I will give my perspectives.
Nevertheless
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,on the first side ,with the advancement of modern technology and civilizations, it is important to acknowledge that mobile is not only a purpose of communication but
also
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 includes convenient entertainment.
That is
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 why, folks are using cell phones everywhere without any hesitation including in loud
as well as
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 harsh voices,
although
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 they are in public places,
for example
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, hospitals,schools ,colleges ,religious sites etc.
Therefore
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 ,it is a matter of great sorrow that pupils in those zones
such
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 as supplicants,patients and students are suffering a lot ,when some individuals chat loudly.Unfortunately,several tiktokers start their shooting anywhere at any time ,where the community are connected to their daily work,
such
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 as shopping ,relaxing or eating in restaurants.
That is
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 to say, alas! authorities don't pay attention to
this
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 issue ,as they have concern for more difficult problems.
Furthermore
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,on the flip side, telephones have made our lives more convenient,but how do they make our lives trouble-free?In order to, digitalise the world ,every sector depends upon social networks,where every social platform is concluded in the mobile.
For instance
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,the public can pay for electricity via phone,when the electrification board sends a message for payment.
In addition
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, many times persons get essential calls from banks,insurance companies,and visa or passport offices
,
Remove the comma
apply
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when it is urgent.
Moreover
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,if any family member gets sick or falls into trouble ,
then
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 it is necessary to pick up a call at any time and at any place.
Hence
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 ,for any urgent call,we can pick up the telephone at a public point.
Consequently
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, in conclusion,in my opinion,using mobile should be banned in public areas for amusement purposes ,but should be allowed to be utilized for all emergency requirements

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task achievement
While the essay shows a clear intention to discuss both viewpoints, ensure that each idea is more clearly presented and elaborated. Try to eliminate repetitive points and provide additional supporting details for a more robust argument.
task achievement
Aim to provide more direct examples related to the main argument. Instead of general statements, use specific cases or data to convincingly support your points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay's logical flow can be enhanced by ensuring transitional phrases clearly link each paragraph’s main idea to the next. Where possible, ensure that each paragraph starts with a topic sentence that introduces the paragraph's focus.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph strictly sticks to a single main idea to avoid confusion, and avoid overloading sentences with multiple ideas. Use concise language to improve clarity.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the discussion effectively.
task achievement
You've managed to cover both perspectives on the issue thoughtfully, which shows a balanced approach to the topic.
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