IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people choose a career according to the social status and salary it will give them. Others choose a career according to whether they will enjoy the work. Which do you think is the best way to choose a career? Give reasons for your answer and inlude any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Choosing a profession is crucial for people's future.
Therefore
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 some individuals select it based on social status and income it gives them. It is my belief that you should choose your career taking into account whether you will enjoy it or not. The best way to pick out a career is by imagining whether it will bring you
happiness
Use synonyms
 or sadness
instead
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 of thinking about the expected income.
Happiness
Use synonyms
 does not always rely on your level of wealth, nor does it rely on your social surroundings, and not everything
that is
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 monetarily successful comes
along with
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happiness
Use synonyms
.
Above all
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, the thing that makes you enjoy your life is not the money that you have in your pocket, nor is it in your bank account.
Instead
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, the way you enjoy your routine, and give value to your daily activities
such
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 as your friends's gatherings and your family time are the sources of
happiness
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
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, if you are happy, you perform better in your job.
Hence
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, your productivity increases considerably.
For example
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, farmers, who find nature enjoyable, are more efficient than those who don't because they keep motivated by the beauty of the plants.
On the other hand
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, money frequently comes
along with
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 loneliness and sadness. Many times great income requires more effort.
Besides
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 that, people who like high salaries want to earn more and more each time.
As a result
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, they excessively focus on working and after making huge quantities of money, people realize that they have forgotten their family and friends.
To conclude
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, in my opinion, you have to carefully select your profession based on how you visualize it in the future. If you feel that it will make you happy,
that is
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 the one.

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task response
The introduction is clear but could be slightly more refined. Consider starting with a broader statement about career choices before narrowing down to your opinion.
task response
You clearly support your main points, but try to strengthen your argument with more specific examples and evidence. For instance, mention any studies or real-life stories to back up your claims about happiness and productivity.
coherence cohesion
Make use of varied vocabulary and sentence structures to enhance readability and engagement. Additionally, ensure the use of transition words to improve flow.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is generally well-structured, make sure to avoid redundancy. Phrases like 'nor does it rely on your social surroundings' can be precised to improve clarity.
task response
Your essay does a good job of addressing the prompt directly and you provide a clear opinion. This makes your argument easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph discusses a distinct point, contributing to coherence.
task response
Your points about happiness and productivity, as well as the potential downsides of focusing solely on income are well-articulated. This adds depth to your argument.
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