IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many museums charge for admission while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission outweigh the disadvantages?

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Around the world, a multitude of
museums
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charge
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 an admission
fee
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 to
people
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,
while
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 others are completely free for residents.  I believe that it is appropriate that
museums
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charge
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 a small
amount
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 of
money
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 as an entrance
fee
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. Served as public spaces,
museums
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 possess a special role in
people
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's lives.
People
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 can improve their historical knowledge by visiting
museums
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.
Moreover
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, if
museums
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 are without an admission
fee
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, they can attract more
people
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.
As a result
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, the definition of exhibits, and historical things will spread more rapidly among the public, and more
people
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 might reveal their fascination to
museums
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.
However
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, overcrowding increases among
people
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 in
museums
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.
Additionally
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, each layer of
people
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, from poor to rich, manages to enter
museums
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,
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apply
show examples
and feel excited.
In addition
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,
museums
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 may earn through selling books, magazines, and souvenirs which belong to
museums
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.
This
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 way can bring financial benefits.
Furthermore
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, the well-known and rare exhibitions require good security.
Otherwise
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, they can deteriorate or be damaged.
As a result
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, professional assistants are should recruited, and
also
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museums
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 should pay them for their services.
Hence
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, it is essential that
museums
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charge
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 residents a reasonable
amount
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 of
money
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.
For instance
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, the State Art Museum of Uzbekistan
also
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charge
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 an entrance
fee
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, and
this
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amount
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 of
money
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 is worth paying for admission because all exhibits are in good condition and watching them is extremely enjoyable. In conclusion, many
museums
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charge
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people
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 an entrance
fee
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while
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 others are free for the public. In my opinion,
however
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, I strongly agree that charging a small
amount
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 of
money
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 is appropriate, and the positives of that can outweigh the negatives.

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task achievement
Consider enhancing the support for your main points with more detailed and relevant examples. This would strengthen your argument significantly.
task achievement
Aim to make your ideas clearer by ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. This will improve the clarity and comprehension of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Try to improve the logical flow between your points. Use more linking words or phrases to guide the reader through your argument seamlessly.
coherence cohesion
Some parts of your essay, particularly in the second paragraph, could benefit from tighter structure. Ensure each sentence contributes directly to the main point of the paragraph.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-defined and provide a clear framework for the argument.
task achievement
The essay presents a complete response to the prompt, addressing both the benefits and drawbacks of charging for museum admission.
task achievement
The argument is generally clear and easy to follow, demonstrating good command of English.
task achievement
The essay includes several relevant points, such as the need for good security and the potential for overcrowding, which add depth to the argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Admission fee
  • Revenue stream
  • Maintenance
  • Overcrowding
  • Commercialization
  • Cultural heritage
  • Diverse attendance
  • Community ownership
  • Access to culture
  • Visitor experience
  • Exhibit quality
  • Cultural mission
  • Reliance on funding
  • Government subsidies
  • Cultural accessibility
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