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Band 8

The number of teenagers who commit crimes in some countries has increased. What are the causes? What are the solutions?

#teenagers #crimes #countries
The rate of adolescents who have broken the law in some nations has risen.
This
 is mainly because of a lack of parental care and financial issues. There are a number of solutions that should be taken to deal with juvenile crime.
Firstly
, some
parents
, especially those who have gotten married at a young
age
, do not know how to take care of their
children
.
For example
, in Saudi Arabia, most
children
 who commit crimes come from a family whose
parents
 got married at a young
age
, around 23–24 years old.
As a result
, a lot of teenagers from these families have not had a perfect upbringing, and
therefore
, it is very easy for them to be influenced negatively.
Secondly
, some teenagers drop out of school at a young
age
 because their
parents
 cannot afford to pay their school fees, and because of
this
, some of them work in illegal fields, which can lead to crime. There are two effective solutions to overcome
this
 problem. One way to tackle
this
 issue is for the government to put an
age
 limit on marriage for both men and women.
Moreover
, before getting married, they should be educated on how to take care of their
children
.
This
,
therefore
, will ensure that all future
parents
 will be responsible
parents
. Another method to deal with
this
 dilemma is that the government should give free education to
children
 who have financial issues.
Hence
,
this
 will help them continue their education to the highest level, and in the future, they can change their lives for be better by having great jobs.
To sum up
, limiting the
age
 of marriage and giving free education are effective ways of dealing with
this
 issue. If the government implemented these solutions, the rate of juvenile crime would soon dro
Submitted by s_syedy on

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Task Response
Your essay generally demonstrates a good understanding of the task and addresses both the causes and solutions of juvenile crime. However, the conclusion feels slightly abrupt due to the incomplete sentence. Make sure to proofread your essay for such errors.
Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance coherence, ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. While your paragraphs are well-structured, using transition words and phrases more effectively can improve the flow of your essay.
Task Response
Your main points are well-supported with relevant examples, especially the mention of young parents in Saudi Arabia. This adds depth and specificity to your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay follows a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This logical structure helps in clearly presenting your ideas.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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