In many societies, there is a growing emphasis on individualism, with people prioritizing their personal goals and desires over collective interests. Is this a positive or negative development?
Nowadays, more and more citizens tend to focus on individualism by only concentrating on their personal growth and passions, leaving behind collective interests. From my point of view,
this
phenomenon has both benefits and drawbacks; Linking Words
however
, I am strongly convinced that it is more disadvantageous.
It is obvious that fostering personal development has a positive impact on several areas. Linking Words
Firstly
, people can pursue their desires and achieve success in their chosen fields. Teenagers are a good example of Linking Words
this
issue. During their university admission process, they will perform a higher level of effort; Linking Words
hence
, they enhance their ability and personal satisfaction. Linking Words
Furthermore
, when humans have apparent goals, they are more responsible for their decisions. Especially, if their lives are chaotic, Linking Words
instead
of being in panic situations, they are able to focus again on their desires. Linking Words
As a result
, they may become better versions.
Linking Words
On the other hand
, there are various negative effects of Linking Words
this
matter. Individualism creates an imbalance between individuals and societies. Linking Words
Therefore
, it lacks cooperation and support from others. Linking Words
Moreover
, concentrating excessively on personal aims can contribute to inequality and social division. Especially, inefficient allocation of the human source is the worst consequence of Linking Words
this
problem. Linking Words
In addition
, the unemployment rate could be increased because of the large number of prestigious people around the world. It can Linking Words
also
lead to disconnection among people and break lots of important bonds.
In conclusion, Linking Words
while
individualism and prioritizing personal passions can have some positive effects Linking Words
such
as personal growth and offering innovation, the drawbacks outweigh. Linking Words
Therefore
, it is indispensable to maintain a balance between own aims and collective interests as a whole.Linking Words
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task achievement
You have addressed the prompt quite well, establishing a clear position on the topic. However, try to enrich your essay with more specific examples and real-life scenarios to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
While your ideas are logically structured, some transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be smoother. Work on using a variety of cohesive devices to improve flow.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are supported, but there is room for more detailed explanations and additional evidence. Balancing your arguments with richer content can help provide a more comprehensive discussion.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your argument effectively.
task achievement
You have successfully presented a balanced view, discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of individualism.