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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In many countries, schools have severe problems with student behaviour. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

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Although
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 intractable schoolchildren can be found in most educational settings, the
behaviour
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 of
school
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 pupils in many parts of the world has worsened in recent years.
This
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 state of affairs can be attributed to several factors and
this
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 essay will suggest several viable solutions to remedy the situation. There are two main contributors to the way young people behave at
school
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 nowadays. Chief of these is that with modern parents becoming increasingly too busy or permissive,
children
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 often find it difficult to accept the demands of teachers or the limits imposed on them by
school
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 rules.
For example
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,
children
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 who are used to negligence or indulgence are likely to show disruptive
behaviour
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 in class. Added to
this
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 is the fact that
children
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 are all too often influenced by the
behaviour
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 of celebrities.
This
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 can be seen in the way many teenagers think that success can be achieved without finishing
school
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 or trying to act, talk or wear the way their idols do. The problem of students misbehaving at
school
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 can be addressed in a number of ways. An immediate remedy is for parents to use reasonable punishments to demonstrate that actions have consequences when their
children
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 break the rules. These disciplinary techniques could range from depriving them of things that they treasure,
such
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 as their favourite toys or TV shows, to
stop
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stopping
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 them from seeing their friends.
In addition
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, famous people,
such
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 as musicians and football players, need to understand the responsibility that they have to act as good role models to
children
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.
This
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 could be done by their managers, who need to make it abundantly clear to celebrities about how much influence they have on their fans. In conclusion, the causes of schools increasingly facing discipline problems are parents' leniency and famous people's
behaviour
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, and the solutions lie in changing parents’ ways of disciplining their
children
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 and the participation of high-profile public figures.

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task achievement
While your essay presents a well-rounded discussion, you can further enhance your Task Response by providing more diverse examples specific to different cultures or regions. This will show you have considered multiple perspectives.
task achievement
To make your ideas clearer and more comprehensive, try to delve deeper into the impact and reasoning behind each cause and solution. This will make your argument more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Your essay could benefit from slightly more varied transitional phrases to avoid repetition and keep the reader engaged. For instance, instead of "added to this," you could use "another contributing factor".
coherence cohesion
You have a logical structure that makes your essay easy to follow, which is a strong point.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-presented, clearly setting up and summarizing your key points.
coherence cohesion
The main points in your essay are well-supported with relevant examples, enhancing their impact.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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