IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which type of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.

#people #retirement #age #e #g #years #everybody #occupation #workers #pension #type #benefit
Today, in many countries, the retirement age is the same for all types of
professions
.
However
, some
people
 do not agree with
such
 equality and believe that some categories of
people
 should retire earlier. I support the opinion of these
people
 and believe that the retirement age depends on the specifics of the
work
. In my essay, I want to show arguments to explain my position.
Firstly
,
people
work
 in different
professions
. Some
professions
 require working in extreme conditions, and they,
as a consequence
, are harmful to human health.
For example
,
people
 who
work
 in mines. Despite the very physically difficult
work
, miners
also
 receive high pressure, dust and not enough oxygen, which has a very bad effect on the human body.
Secondly
, there are
professions
 in which
people
 risk their lives for the sake of the general order in society. Of course
professions
 as the police. Every day, the police patrol on streets to find the criminal guys. Actually,
this
 is a dangerous profession and every day can be the
last
 for a policeman.
However
, I would add that need to support only the group of
people
 who protect
people
 from danger, and not those who sit in the office and write fines.
To sum up
, my opinion
that
Add a missing verb
is that
show examples
 early retirement is possible only for those
people
 who risk their health and
work
 in extreme conditions.
This
 opportunity should be presented as respect for their hard
work
 and will motivate
people
 to
work
 in
this
 area.
Submitted by samedovateacher on

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task achievement
The essay could benefit from a more explicit thesis statement that clearly outlines the writer's main arguments at the start.
coherence cohesion
While the structure is generally clear, some paragraphs could be more cohesive by providing clearer transitions between points.
task achievement
Consider using more specific examples or evidence to fully support your points regarding why certain professions should have early retirement.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear position on the topic and supports it with relevant arguments.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the conclusion encapsulates the main points well.
task achievement
The essay addresses all parts of the task and clearly discusses the reasons certain jobs might deserve early retirement.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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