IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which type of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.

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Today, in many countries, the retirement age is the same for all types of
professions
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.
However
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, some
people
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 do not agree with
such
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 equality and believe that some categories of
people
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 should retire earlier. I support the opinion of these
people
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 and believe that the retirement age depends on the specifics of the
work
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. In my essay, I want to show arguments to explain my position.
Firstly
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,
people
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work
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 in different
professions
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. Some
professions
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 require working in extreme conditions, and they,
as a consequence
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, are harmful to human health.
For example
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,
people
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 who
work
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 in mines. Despite the very physically difficult
work
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, miners
also
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 receive high pressure, dust and not enough oxygen, which has a very bad effect on the human body.
Secondly
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, there are
professions
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 in which
people
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 risk their lives for the sake of the general order in society. Of course
professions
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 as the police. Every day, the police patrol on streets to find the criminal guys. Actually,
this
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 is a dangerous profession and every day can be the
last
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 for a policeman.
However
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, I would add that need to support only the group of
people
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 who protect
people
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 from danger, and not those who sit in the office and write fines.
To sum up
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, my opinion
that
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is that
show examples
 early retirement is possible only for those
people
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 who risk their health and
work
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 in extreme conditions.
This
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 opportunity should be presented as respect for their hard
work
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 and will motivate
people
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 to
work
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 in
this
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 area.

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task achievement
The essay could benefit from a more explicit thesis statement that clearly outlines the writer's main arguments at the start.
coherence cohesion
While the structure is generally clear, some paragraphs could be more cohesive by providing clearer transitions between points.
task achievement
Consider using more specific examples or evidence to fully support your points regarding why certain professions should have early retirement.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear position on the topic and supports it with relevant arguments.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the conclusion encapsulates the main points well.
task achievement
The essay addresses all parts of the task and clearly discusses the reasons certain jobs might deserve early retirement.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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