IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Some people that competative sports shuld be included as a subject in school. while others believe that it has negative effect on children. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

8.0 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Some
individuals
Use synonyms
 contend that competitive
sports
Use synonyms
 should be incorporated into the school curriculum.
However
Linking Words
, others hold an opposing viewpoint. These detractors argue that teaching competitive
sports
Use synonyms
 as a subject has detrimental effects on children. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will analyze and compare both viewpoints using specific examples.
Body paragraph 1
Proponents of
this
Linking Words
 notion contend that competition is an inherent aspect of life and that engaging in physical education activities can assist children in developing crucial skills
such
Linking Words
 as patience, endurance, and teamwork.
For instance
Linking Words
,
individuals
Use synonyms
 who have never participated in
sports
Use synonyms
 club activities tend to have weaker potential in these areas compared to those who have. In reality, numerous companies prefer
individuals
Use synonyms
 with prior
sports
Use synonyms
 club experience when hiring new employees.
Consequently
Linking Words
, it is essential to nurture these skills in young adults before they enter the workforce.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are negative aspects to forcing children to participate in competitive
sports
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, there are some students who have gentle and vulnerable hearts and detest the idea of competing with others. Participating in competitive
sports
Use synonyms
 can cause them to feel stressed and even depressed.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it can
also
Linking Words
 mean denying their perspectives and forcing them to engage in activities that they dislike.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe that it is important for all students to have a variety of experiences, especially those that involve physical activity.
While
Linking Words
 being gentle may seem appealing, it can
also
Linking Words
 lead to failure as a group in competitive
sports
Use synonyms
, which is similar to real life. The imperfect nature of our world necessitates the need for
individuals
Use synonyms
 to prepare for challenges prior to entering adulthood.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay is well-structured and presents both viewpoints clearly; however, try to balance the argument a bit more evenly. The examples and arguments for the positive aspects of competitive sports are slightly more developed than those for the negative aspects.
task achievement
Consider providing a more detailed analysis of how the negative aspects of competitive sports could manifest in different educational settings or among diverse student groups. This will enhance the specificity of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the connections between ideas are seamless by using a variety of cohesive devices. For example, you can use phrases like 'On one hand' and 'On the other hand' to make the contrast between arguments even clearer.
introduction conclusion
Your introduction effectively sets up the essay by stating the topic clearly and indicating that you will discuss both viewpoints. This is excellent for guiding the reader.
introduction conclusion
The conclusion effectively encapsulates your viewpoint, bringing the discussion full circle and reinforcing your argument.
logical structure
The essay is logically structured with clear beginning, middle, and end sections, making it easy for the reader to follow your line of thinking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:
  • 6
    band

    in some countries, people are hiring a personal fitness trainer rather than playing sports or doing exercise classess what are the reason for this is this a positive or negative develpment

    Private trainers are in higher demand in several countries. Conducting the trainers has more benefit in performing sports or physical exercise as they can likely scan through a diet habit and the abilities of individuals that can perform during the session. I believe that there would be a positive impact from getting a private trainer instead of doing class activities. Nowadays, more and more people build a healthy habit by making time to go to the gym and eating clean. Going to the gym doesn't help a person get into shape; thus, this is where the private instructor gets involved. To be honest, hiring the instructor is costly, but he or she helps to advise on good posture as well as knows various types of exercise that can benefit the targeted body parts. For example, adding extra weight to certain exercises when they believe that their trainee is capable. Moreover, fitness trainers are more likely to give suggestions on the series of meals that are essential for the body during the...
  • 6
    band

    What are your Achievements in 2023 and Revolutions in 2024

    Many things happened in 2023, and there were revolutions in 2024. Last year was a year of surprise and happiness because we bought a new house and gained Canadian citizenship. Firstly, my family was so lucky when we bought a house. We were fortunate because we found a pretty cheap house, but the house is still beautiful, big, and near everything. Our house was near school, the mall, and even downtown, making our transportation faster and taking less time. Secondly, we finally gained Canadian citizenship. My mom studied and worked hard every day for this. She spent time daily improving her English skills for IELTS and working hard to gain some plus points for a better chance of achieving Canadian citizenship. After all the work, she now has Canadian citizenship, and because of that, I became a Canadian citizen, too. To sum up, I bought a new house and became a Canadian citizen, making 2023 the best year in my life until now.
  • 6
    band

    Some people think that online reading materials are better for children. Others argues that traditional paper based resources are better. Discuss and give your opinion.

    There is no denying the fact that reading is a crucial thing to improve the child's mind. However, there is also an argument about what kind of materials are the best for kids, traditional paper or electronic paper. This essay will analyze this topic from both points of view and express my opinion.
  • 6
    band

    It is said that the education system is the most critical factor in the development of a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

    The role of education in national progress has long been a subject of debate among policymakers and scholars. While various factors such as economic stability, political governance, and technological innovation contribute to a country’s advancement, I firmly believe that a robust education system is the cornerstone of sustainable development. This is because education not only cultivates human capital but also fosters social cohesion and drives innovation.
  • 6
    band

    The tendency of news reports in the media to focus more on problems and emergencies rather than on positive developments is harmful to the individuals and the society as a whole. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

    The question of whether the media should focus more on problems has sparked heated debate. Some argue that negative contents are harmful to individuals, while others see that problems and emergencies are worth the public’s attention. My personal idea is the latter should be more emphasized because media can actually provide in-time information for disaster forecasting or prevention. In this essay, I will elaborate more detail and provide my personal opinions.