IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The crime rate amoung teenagers has increased dramatically in many countries. Why is this happening and what can be done to reduce it?

#crime #rate #amoung #teenagers #countries
There has been a great increase in
crime
Correct article usage
the crime
show examples
 rate caused by
teenagers
 in many parts of the world.
Therefore
, there are a lot of sources and solutions for
this
. Obviously, there are several causes for these crimes;
however
, there are
also
 the leading ones.
First,
crimes could happen among youngsters like
teenagers
 because of the pressure caused in their daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. Pressure from
parents
such
 as not understanding their
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
show examples
, spilling in them their aggression, rudeness, and sometimes beating, which is
also
crime
Add an article
a crime
show examples
 for
parents
.
Moreover
, in
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 situations, illegal actions could be done by
teenagers
from
Change preposition
because of
show examples
 the imitativeness of their own
parents
. Children are usually just not surrounded
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 normal
people
. Many
people
 would link it to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
genetics as well, but it has nothing to do with that, only the fault of caregivers is not being able to raise the child.
Lastly
, the reason why
teenagers
 are odd to commit crimes is the fact that there is
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of
resource
Fix the agreement mistake
resources
show examples
 in their family budget. The father or mother could refuse to work or provide their teenager with needed
supply
Fix the agreement mistake
supplies
show examples
, causing them to break the law. Thankfully, nowadays, there are
also
 solutions for
this
 issue. There are several steps how to forward younger ones to the right path. The first thing that could be done is to isolate them from their own
parents
 into a kind of school where they could be educated and would be taught anything apart from going against the rules.
Furthermore
, there are already prisons for young, aged
people
;
however
, they could increase in quantity and increase
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
strictness, so children would be concerned about the consequences.
To sum up
, there is
considerable
Change the article
a considerable
the considerable
show examples
 number of bases where the actions come from, with what now
people
 have developed some solutions.
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task achievement
The essay addresses the task but lacks depth in exploring reasons and solutions. Consider elaborating on each point with more specific examples and explanations.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that ideas within the paragraphs are logically connected. Transitions between paragraphs could also be smoother.
task achievement
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in providing a complete response.
task achievement
The writer attempts to provide reasons and solutions, showing an understanding of the task's requirements.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Dramatically
  • Parental supervision
  • Peer pressure
  • Economic inequality
  • Desensitize
  • Aggressive behavior
  • Disenfranchisement
  • Substance abuse
  • Gang culture
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